16.7.2006


"My Husband is an Ameba"






 "My Husband is an Ameba"

          a story by Heidi Soosalu

  

  

      "Anyway, I love him very much.

And I think marriages between different species are not illegal.


http://www.netsaga.is/media/files/Ladies%20and%20gentlemen-svenni.mp3

Nobody can lay the blame on me, at least; how should I have known beforehand.

I wonder if he knew it himself either in the beginning.

He made an impression on me already at the first time.

He was somehow so unlike all the others ?

I was dancing.

Yes, searching for a man for myself.

I started to be a little in a hurry, I knew I was growing old.

And I did not have time to select more carefully, I just had to try to pick up the first one that came near enough.

Suddenly he was there, somehow he had slid beside me across the ballroom.

He twined around me and took me to a suffocating dance.

I felt myself mainly tacky, but I must admit I enjoyed it.

All of a sudden I noticed I was married.

Everything had happened so quickly.

We lived under the same roof, and I just had to start to learn to live together with another person.

First then I had time to analyze his characteristics, time to get to know him.

At first everything went very fine, we were stunned by love.

But by and by I started to notice also unpleasant features in him.

I have been most irritated with his sluggishness, somehow he is so floppy.

It is true that nowadays it is hard to get a job, but I think that he has not even tried.

 It is a fact that he is a talented microbiologist.

He has always said he feels it to be the field that suits him best.

Surely he would get a position, in some research institute, for example.

And how he moves himself, it makes sometimes my hackles rise.

How can he be such a sweeper.

Instead of walking briskly, as everybody else, he just glides forward, even his feet look sometimes like towing lumps.

The third thing, which makes me annoyed, is that he can sometimes be such a slimy guy, especially when he is drunk.

My God, then I simply cannot stand his disgusting stories.

However, I can forgive him everything, he is the man of my life.

And he is such a marvellous lover.

Mmm, I can sense that he manages to touch me everywhere at the same time, it feels so ? Oh no, you cannot even imagine it!

In general everything has gone fine between the two of us.

Everybody has some irritating features, after all.

 But some time ago he became strange, drew back somehow and was no more the extrovert he had been.

It seemed that something was worrying him.

Finally he came to me one night, embraced me looking sad, and said that he had to confess something important.

The life could not go on further untruthfully.

I became very scared, I thought that he had found another woman and wanted to leave me.

 It would have been a disaster for me.

But that was not the point.

 He started to lead me to the subject carefully.

He explained that he was very different to anybody else.

I said that I do not care the least about that, I liked him exactly as he was.

I did not want to have anyone ordinary.

He insisted that he is absolutely very different.

I was looking deep to his eyes when he confessed that he was not even a human being.

He said he was an ameba.

I stared at him a long time without believing my ears.

It was the strangest joking I had ever heard.

But he did not laugh, and was not kidding, but kept on staring at me intensively and nodded looking serious.

It was the very truth, I just had to believe him.

Suddenly I started to smile happily.

But that explained all the strangeness in him, all the peculiar habits that I, as a human being, could not understand.

I assured him quickly that it did not matter, I still loved him and wanted absolutely to continue our marriage.

Besides, what would I do with human men, none of them had wanted me even before.

He gave me a wet kiss and said that he was so happy.

However, he was worried that something unexpected could come in between us, he still was of an unpredictable sort.

I said to him that I had promised to stay beside him for better or for worse and did not intend to break my promise."

I gasped after my long monologue and sipped the last drop of my coffee.

It had cooled down already.

The women stared me with a strange look on their faces.

I knew that they had not believed a word of what I had said.

 Of course not, I had revealed the whole truth to their eyes, but they were not able to believe anything slightly special, because they were so small-minded and lacking all imagination.

I still did not regret that I had come to the coffee party.

 By the way, the coffee and the Sacher Torte had been very tasty.

I did not even regret my revelation, now they would stop asking about the eccentric tricks of my husband.

Now they did not have to wonder anything.

The conversation had dried up, one after another people started to leave.

Also I took my handbag and rose from my chair.

I thanked the hostess and walked to my car.

I wanted to hurry quickly home, so that I could spend the rest of the night together with my husband.

There was about to be a good film in TV.

I was groping a key to the lock, but the door suddenly opened in front of me and my husband stood on the threshold.

He had weird looks on his face, a combination of delight and shame.

For me he appeared as if he had shrunken.

I opened my mouth to ask but he managed to talk first.

   "My dear, I don't know how to explain this.

But we have suddenly faced a happy family event."

I looked at him with suspicion, it was I who should announce such news.

Besides, I had not noticed that I was pregnant.

    "Don't misunderstand me, I'm not talking about any babies.

Actually I didn't even need your help but took care of the thing totally by myself.

Look, there are now two of me!"

To my shock I noticed that further in the hall there stood another man, exactly of the size and looks of my decreased husband.

Also he was smiling to me with embarrassment.