My father was a traveling sports writer, and didn’t make very much money. I always understood that my dad loved his job so much because traveling was involved. I came to understand at an early age that teaching myself how to tie my shoes wasn’t going to be the only thing I would have to do on my own. 

A tiny member of the wedding party strikes a memorable pose at a crucial moment. More mysteries solved

   This weekend in question his search for a friend and companion of the opposite sex begins as so often before, elevendish Friday-evening. The week had gone by at an unusual speed, eventhough the suspence had been increasing each day. His sixth sense is informing him that lady-luck will be discreetly favorable for him on this fine evening in September.

               
   He parks his blue East-German Trabant station-wagon, a tiny plastic can of a car, which really suits him a single youngish middleaged man quite well, at a space by Ingolfs-square, before he makes himself ready by spraying a little perfume down his neck and running his right hand´s fingers through his dark hair.     He´s feeling exceedingly well and...

                   
    Just as I´ve discovered later I have the terrible habit of waking up awfully early after a couple of hours sleep when I´ve been consuming alcohol. 
    In the first daylight of this morning in August I can see where
my friends lie on both sides of me in all kinds of poses;
  two are only half in theirs and Biggi is reverse in his bag. 

                    
    The summer had been quite fateful in many ways;
  I became sixteen, got drunk for the first time and had some kind of sex with a woman without any one´s help which was quite a funny experience for me when I look back as an adult.

    After I´d finished compulsory school in Keflavik I was employed in a shrimp-factory by the name of Baldur Ltd., which was owned by two former fishermen;

 
                
    The town´s library is both new and large and Loki is a frequent customer either exchanging books or to read the newest magazines. 
    To the right side of the entrance a few red upholstered seats have been placed, a table and a few shelves for classified newspapers and magazines.

            EVERY MAN´S DREAM!!!
                by
            Olafur Thor Eiriksson

              
    This weekend in question his search for a friend and companion of the opposite sex begins as so often before, elevendish Friday-evening. 
    The week had gone by at an unusual speed, eventhough the suspence had been increasing
each day. 
    His sixth sense is informing him that lady-luck will be discreetly favorable for him on this fine evening in September. 
    He parks his blue East-German Trabant station-wagon, a tiny plastic can of a car, which really suits him a single youngish middleaged man quite well, at a
space by Ingolfs-square, before he makes himself ready by spraying a little perfume down his neck and running his right hand´s fingers through his dark
hair. 

Whisky Before Noon

a short story by Stennie O’Bryan

(Thorsteinn Eggertsson)

Alex woke me up early. He was the only man I knew in this English village by the sea, somewhere south-west of London. His brother Gus, whom I worked with in Reykjavik, had lent me his cottage for a couple of weeks. I took it as I needed the vacation. I had never been to England before.

“Hey,” I said, looking at my watch, yawning. “It’s not ...

 

The American Halibut Fishers at

the Hotel Niagara

During the years of 1884-1897 Americans used to

fish for halibut off the shores of the West Fjords, as

in those days these waters would yield bountiful

catches of flatfish to such an extent as was not seen

in most other fishing areas in Europe. The “Yanks”,

as they were called, came

The Tobacco-chewing Examiner

Mr. Sigurdur Fr. Einarsson, teacher at Thingeyri,

held for a long time the office of examiner in the

local schools, including the one at Keldudalur in

Dyrafjordur.

Gudmundur Sören Magnusson once told this

tale:

Stiffness in the Neck

Once when Mr. Brynjolfur Thor Brynjolfsson was

director of the branch of the National Bank of

Iceland in Isafjordur, one of the female employees

was complaining about a stiff neck during a coffee

break and kept rubbing her neck. She then ...

Life Experience

Candidates from the West Fjords once shared a

car to travel around the constituency and hold

election rallies. One evening when they got to

Isafjordur Mr. Sighvatur Bjorgvinsson sighed and

said:

"I must confess I’m all...

Priestly Work

Reverend Baldur Vilhelmsson, former parish

priest and vicar at Vatnsfjordur in Isafjardardjup,

once phoned one of his parishioners, Mr. Ari

Sigurjonsson, farmer at Thufur, and began by ...

The Skipper and the Grunts

One time when Lasi kokkur had just arrived on

board a trawler where he had signed on as ship’s

cook, he went straight to the bridge to see the

captain. When Lasi got to the door of the bridge

he asked:

"Which one of you...

Work?

A kinswoman of Mr. Oli Þ. Gudbjartsson from

Bildudalur, former Minister of Justice and longtime

teacher and headmaster at...

In the West Fjords like everywhere

else

The Reverend Baldur from Vatnsfjordur once

chaired a meeting at Reykjanes by Djup. A lady

from some ministry in Reykjavik was present and

treated the locals to a long speech during which

she droned on and on with no end in sight and

the people had no clear idea what ...

Sleepy Fox Cubs

Mr. Sighvatur Grimsson, scholar at Hofdi in

Dyrafjordur, was skilled in the field of medicine

and was often called to people’s sickbeds. One

late autumn he was asked to come to Ingjaldssandur

to attend to a man who had been taken ill ...

Store Credit

Some time ago there lived a crofter named

Gudmundur Jonsson at Ingunnarstaðir in

Geirdalshreppur in the county of Bardastrandarsysla.

He claimed to come from Selbekk in Tungusveit,

and was called Gvendur Selbekk or Mundi the

Carpenter. Gvendur Selbekk lived in ...

Working the Net

This happened some time during the fifties on

board the side trawler Solborg IS 260 from

Isafjordur. Mr. Pall Palsson was the captain and

the catch was abundant that day. The deck was

covered in fish flopping around and the crew was

busy emptying the net and gutting...

Silent Church Choir

Reverend Gunnar Bjornsson, who formerly

tended to the parish at Holt, is very fond of Psalm

no. 333,

Send us now, Father, your Spirit. The

Reverend wanted to have that psalm sung in

nearly every church service, not least

Resurrection in Dyrafjordur

Dr. Olafur Olafsson, former Medical Director of

Health for all of Iceland, would sometimes

substitute for district medical officers in the

country when this became necessary.

One time Dr. Olafur filled in ...

Human Habitation.

He said that he knew of an

old lady who lived in a single room in a small

basement in town. This he said was what was

provided by the moderates who at the same time

pretended to be leaders in the fight for the

working classes and protectors of ...

Housing Issues

The writer Mr. Gudmundur Gislason Hagalin was

a tireless campaigner for the Democratic Party in

Isafjordur and was quite adept at obtaining votes

for his party in the days when the Democrats had

a great deal of support there, during ...

Lighter Footwear

Once the Reverend Baldur Vilhelmsson at

Vatnsfjörður was complaining about the distances

and bad transportation involved with his parish.

When he had said many bad things about the

roads in the West Fjords and cursed the ...

 

Straight to Hell

Reverend Jon Olafsson at Holt in Onundarfjordur

was a fine man though sometimes given to

colourful language, as witnessed by many tales on

that subject. One day sheep were being herded

into a cot and Reverend Jon’s aged father was one

of the sheepherders. Two rams ...

Making Conversation

Once the famous cook Lasi kokkur signed on as

ship’s cook on a fishing boat from Hafnarfjörður.

Lasi was known to have a way with words like

many other people from the West Fjords. On his

first day aboard ship he began...

Good Comeback

Mr. Haflidi Magnusson, folk artist from Bildudalur

in Arnarfjordur has been a regular visitor to the

swimming pool at Selfoss since he moved to that

town. Other regulars in one of the hot tubs at the

pool somehow had gotten the idea that Haflidi

was a great ladies’ man and they tended to make

jokes on that ...

Short and succinct

The legendary Reverend Baldur Vilhelmsson of

Vatnsfjordur at Djup is known for preaching

sermons that are to the point and sharply

delivered. Church services and funerals conducted

by the old Reverend were ...

Buying a Hotel

When Mr. Einar Sigurdsson of the Westman

Islands, called Rich Einar, retired from managing

the fish freezing plant at Flateyri in 1960, Mr. Rafn

A. Petursson from Skagafjordur bought the plant’s

operations, fixtures and real estate. Rafn was

educated as a shipbuilder and ...

Worldly Belongings

Mr. Bodvar Sveinbjornsson, now deceased, and

Mr. Saemundur Areliusson were shrimp fishing

magnates that wielded considerable influence in

their field in the heyday of fishing and processing

of shrimp in Isafjordur.

This branch of fishing was usually ...

The Next Level of Existence

The Reverend Jonmundur Halldorsson(1874-1954)

was vicar of the parish at Stadur in Grunnavik at

Jokulfirdir from the year 1918 until the day he died. The

Reverend was a very big, strong, and hard-working man.

He was president of the municipal council and member

of the county administrative board of Grunnavik for

decades and often visited neighbouring parishes to

conduct ...

 

Humorous Tales

from the Daily Life in

the West Fjords of Iceland

in the 20th Century

English Translation:

Haukur Ingason,

Certified Translator

Compiled by Hallgrimur Sveinsson

Published by

Vestfirska forlagið

Brekka  Dyrafirdi 2009

Iceland

E-mail address: jons@snerpa.is

ISBN 978-9979-778-79-0

© All rights reserved

To the Readers

The humorous stories of the people of the West Fjords

of Iceland that are here committed to paper are part

of the heritage of the generations living in the West

Fjords in the 20th century. Some of the stories are

true, some are made up, and some can be said to be

somewhere between truth and fiction. They are

chosen from a vast array of folk tales and humorous

anecdotes that we have published over the years.

We hope that it will give you pleasure to read about

the unique people that make up the population of the

West Fjords, who are people that possess a healthy

sense of humour and no small amount of life

experience!

Enjoy.

Vestfirska forlagið

Hallgrímur Sveinsson

 

Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there.  The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.

 

These 4 gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

 

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

" Hi, is Tony home?"

" No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

" No, come in."

http://www.netsaga.is/media/files/s-hands%20in%20the%20pocket.mp3

click

funny photos...

... they are stupid:

on a bike!

hurt a bit!

How did the horse do this:

Smellið
Click

Smella
Click

Smellið
Click

Smellið
Click

Smellið
Click

click

New air lines

Any one interested in having a unique dining experience.

You can have breakfast, lunch, dinner or cocktail or invite your boss for a meeting while enjoying your meal.

50 meters above ground dining event arranged by a professional event arranger of Benji Fun company.

It provides 22 seating complete with Chef, server, musician and you can select your own location without limitation.

Guarantee safety with the hoisting crane which can accommodate the whole band of musician, or making an automobile presentation to your customers.
This restaurant is in Belgium .

want one of these pretty cats...

FW: If you drink to much water........?
From:	Þóra Stefánsdóttir (thora@engill.is)
Sent:	Tue 3/04/08 11:06 AM
To:	dagnybh@hotmail.com; 'olafur eiriksson' (olafureiriksson5@msn.com)

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked,
"What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves  whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

Body fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

is there any...

Forward this to at least 7 people and see what happens on your screen . you will laugh your head off!!!!!!!!!!!

Marry this Guy...?

to Hell...?

Hey I'm not messing with this one, Good luck.

Before I could not read music:

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting in the kitchen with a cup of coffee, and he appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

What's the matter dear?, she whispers as she steps into the room. Why are you sitting down here this time of the night? The husband looks up from his coffee, Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16? he asks solemnly. Yes, I do she replies.

 

This is a true story of something that happened just a few years ago at USC . . .

There was a professor of philosophy who was a deeply committed atheist. His primary goal for one required class was to spend the entire semester attempting to prove that God couldn't exist.

His students were always afraid to argue with him because of his impeccable logic. For twenty years, he had taught this class and no one had ever had the courage to go against him.

Sure, some had argued in class at times, but no one had ever really gone against him (you'll see what I mean later). Nobody would go against him because he had a reputation. At the end of every semester, on the last day, he would say to his class of 300 students,"If there is anyone here who still believes in Jesus, stand up.

I guess the cutting began when I started to spend my lunch period hiding in the girls' locker room, scared to death of everybody around me. I would bring my functional black and silver Panasonic, meant for voice recording and not music, and I would listen intently to the scratchy sounds of the tapes I'd accumulated, mostly popular hard rock like Foreigner, which, trashy as it was, sounded like liberation to me. I'd sit there with my tape recorder, eating cottage cheese and pineapples from a stout thermos I brought from home (I was, by this time, also certain that I was fat), and it was a peaceful relief from having to deal with other people, whether they were teachers or friends. Every so often, I would sit in the locker room on the floor, leaning against the concrete wall while my tape recorder sat on the bench, and I would fantasize about going back to the person I had always been. The reverse transformation couldn't be that much of a leap. I could just try talking to people again. I could get the astonished look off my face, as if my eyes had just been exposed to a terrible glare. I could laugh a bit. I would imagine myself doing the things I once did, like playing tennis.

             RagMag.Org or, 'As Published by RagMag.Org'

 

The excellent exploits of a rather large, bulbous young lad...

Once upon a time, Milton Flopski of Decatur Georgia decided that it was high time he set out into the world in pursuit of fame and fortune as a UFO investigator, and documentor of para-normal activity amongst Albino refugees of the South Western Perimeter.

His stout 475 pound mass of flesh, proved quite cumbersome upon the corroding 1952 Shwinn, tricycle that he set out upon in pursuit of adventure. Rounding the first downhill curve on a rural mountain path, Milton veered recklessly beyond the edge of the craggy road, thus plummeting forward, head over heel into a rather thorny patch of wild brush. If not for his fortitude, Milton would have ended his quest that very moment, but he chose to ignore the first sign of impending disaster through sheer stupidity, masked as entrepreneurial spirit.

 

                         

Was it really meant to be?

So my type of Cinderella slippers (pink and white Nikes) is the best gift any man can give me. I mean, (seriously) we had not even gone out on our first date, and here he walks into my life with my first gift. Now, that’s amazing. If that is not love, I don’t know what love is. Before that night was over, we had our first kiss. It was once again a touch of electricity and sparkle that came shining through both our eyes and hearts. It was so obvious what the both of us felt.

A young man afflicted with chronic Spontaneous Human Combustion (SHC) discovers that the flames killing him little by little have miraculous healing powers.

"Exorcise your demon," Carma says. "Kidnap a priest if you must."

BURNY MADDEN IS BURNING LITTLE BY LITTLE TO DEATH. Parts of his body randomly ignite for no apparent reason at all. Although a young doctor, DR. MARIAN CURIEN, has averted Burny’s first fit at birth, this phenomenon known as Spontaneous Human Combustion (SHC) continues to torment him for the next twenty-three years. Now disfigured by burn scars, limping, lonely, and mortified forever, Burny matures into a mild-mannered outcast. Yet charming in a mystically neurotic way.

 

Hi, American Men vs. Women philosophy

 

The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally,
the guys' side of the story.

 

Ghosthouses
by Rob Hopcott

Sound of ghostly telephone ringing.

Mandy:"Hello ... you are through to Freephone Ghosthouses, Mandy speaking, how can I help You?"

George:"Yes, hello, it's George here, I'm a bit nervous - a first time caller - I'm always one for a good laugh, you know a nice comedy or comic drama but you are not having me on are you? Can you really find me a haunt?"

Mandy: "Naturally! That's what we're here for. Ghosthouses is a service that's been established for hundreds of years to provide advice and guidance to select embodied and disembodied life forms seeking desirable abodes."

Sparky Blake's Diary
By MatFlat

 

Friday 4th January 2000

Several days after the new Millennium, The apocalypse begins.


It must be at least a hundred and ten in here. Where am I. What is this place. It is unbearably warm. If I was chasing a rampaging elephant through the streets of Bombay in mid-September I don't think I'd be this heat struck. My trainers are gradually becoming part of the floor as they continue to drag heavy on my already exhausted body. A sweat bead begins to form on my brow and starts it's journey towards my nose. It feels cool on the intense heat plateau that is the ridge of my nose. But no. The coolingbead of sweat has run down the arc of my nose and straight into my eyes.

How I first Became Eudaman
By Eudaman

There I was at rock bottom, 104 degrees in my Dallas red light motel. Awakened by the wail of sirens, hookers, and the night, I look around at my sullen landscape. An empty bottle of Jack Daniels, dozens of discarded ciggy butts overflowing from an undersized ashtray, a cracked picture frame on the wall with a faded picture of Roger Staubach.

I arise from the bed, still damp from the incredible humidity and lack of AC, and head to the bathroom. With bloodshot eyes and the breath of 1,000 camels I stare at the mirror, surveying the damage from the previous evenings bout with addiction. After many bodily noises I head for the shower...then it happened.

Chimpanzeectomy ...
By Matthew Green

The doctor peered over his lensless half moon spectacles.

"You're sure you want to go through with this?" he said.

Larry nodded.

"Absolutely," enthused he (enthusiastically).

"You do realise what's involved, then?"

Larry shrugged.

"Kind of," he said (unconvincingly).

"Allow me to explain the procedure

SHELF LIFE
By Colin Williams

 It was only two weeks to Christmas and Jeffrey - of 'Jeffrey's Electrical Goods' shop was extremely pleased with himself at the day's takings. With a last look around the empty shop he stepped outside and carefully locked the door behind him.

 For several moments the shop lay silent save for the odd pinging noise from the overhead strip lights as they cooled down.

 "Hey, Toaster? You awake?" asked an expensive, home-entertainment centre.

 

POPCORN
By Terry T.

 

The end was in sight. Sixteen weeks of sixteen hour days seven days a week was nearly over.

Steve's brain was numb.

He had survived the last two weeks on adrenalin, coffee and nicotine. He knew before he started this building it would be like this, it always was.

The challenge had been laid down five months ago "Do you think we could build a six theater multiplex cinema in sixteen weeks? Old man Bennett had said.

 

DROWNING SORROWS
By Colin Williams

Corby leaned over the rails of the cross channel ferry and stared at the disappearing Yorkshire coastline.

As the curtains of mist swallowed up the land and with his eyes watering from the salt spray, Corby decided it was time to seek out the bar.

Never having been to sea before, Corby made his first nautical discovery:

Walking along a pitching, rolling deck is not the easiest of tasks. Like a drunken robot he ricocheted his way down the side of the ship searching for a doorway.

With a huge sigh of relief, Corby stepped through the door and made his second nautical discovery; the inside of a ship moves about just as much as the outside. Cursing under his breath, he made his way to the bar.

 

The Mysterious Range Stranger
By Bart AKA Eudaman

After tiring of hitting inaccurate iron after inaccurate iron, I finally pulled out the Ping TiSi Driver for some badly needed self-image help. Their was a 20 yr old kid in the station next to me that had just busted out a taped up Ping from the pro shop to demo and he prepared to hit his first ping shot.

Before the kid could tee up this first ball, I began building my ego by crushing the big stick. I hit about 5 balls when I heard a barely audible voice behind me saying, "Put the driver away and grab your 7 iron."

 

Living Icon

Seductively, she reclined in front of me.

Now. you do not recline in the Purchasing and Procurement Department. You stay erect appearing alert and productive - even when you're dozing off.

This good looking young female didn't. She draped herself - languidly - and gazed steadily at me with large laser blue eyes.

I wouldn't have minded but she'd chosen the file disposal icon on the new TFT flat screen of my personal computer to recline upon. She seemed unconcerned that this was my office, my computer, my file bin and she was occupying it all completely uninvited. However, it was just 11 o'clock in the morning and the worst of the day's email horrors had been identified (and some even dealt with) and I was ready for a distraction.

 

 

 

    The town´s library is both new and large and Loki is a frequent customer either exchanging books or to read the newest magazines. To the right side of the entrance a few red upholstered seats have been placed, a table and a few shelves for classified newspapers and magazines.

 

    On a Monday-morning in August he makes a visit to the library. Standing at the counter he recognizes Erla, a regular employee looking busy doing something important, Fjola wanders around, but Hulda is closing in on the coffee-room. On his right he sees a woman sitting wearing a blue khaki-dress. She´s absorbed in some foreign magazine.

           

Adam woke up, scratched his backside and stared out over the garden of Eden.

"Another boring day," he groaned.

 

"Another day wandering about paradise, eating fruit, staring at beautiful flowers, being good.

 

Oh, it's so boring!

 

Surely there's meant to be more to life than this?

 

 

 

 

 

A Scotsman asks the dentist the cost for a tooth extraction.

 

"85 pounds for an extraction sir," was the dentists reply.

 

"85 pounds!! Huv ye no´ got anythin´ cheaper?"

 

"That´s the normal charge," said the dentist.

 

 

 

 

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

 

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

 

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

 

"Are you ready to find Jesus?"