26.5.2009

OUTSIDE THE BACK OF THE COFFEE CLUB.

    OUTSIDE THE BACK OF THE COFFEE CLUB.

http://www.netsaga.is/media/files/01%20Track%2001.mp3
 

    Sharon and Gordon walked in unison out of the back of the club to be faced with a square hole with about a dozen workmen bent over digging. The digging was fine, it was the builders! Nearly all of them were displaying a hefty lot of bum cleavage.

    Gordon felt compelled for some reason to shout whilst clapping his hands together, "Oh I do love a good bum cleavage inspection!"

    Sharon didn't know where to place her eyes, after all it's not always a nice sight to be faced with a dozen builders displaying a dozen half to full moons. Suddenly she thought of her husband, don't ask me why? Yes poor old Ben out in that tiny van trying to get a little money for her. Then it came to her, Ben = Shed. "Gordon what have you done with my husband's shed?" She yelled causing poor little Gordon to step back in fright at her outburst and as he did so he almost fell into the hole if it hadn't been for two builder's moons in which he had placed his hands upon to stop himself from falling.

    Gordon's hands made a slapping sound as his palms hit their buttocks, jumping for the second time he turned to face the two rather angry men and apologised, "Oh! um, I'm sorry I didn't mean too, accident lads sorry!" His eyes were wide very wide through those glasses with apology.

    Both drew themselves to their full heights before the taller one raised his spade and shoving it right under Gordon's nose so the tip actually turned it up a little he said, "Touch me again poof and I'll knock your head off! Got it?"

    With eyes widening even further threatening to engulf his head and daring not to blink he replied, "I, I got it."

    Sharon wasn't standing for this! Not to a friend. "Touch my friend and I'll make sure you both can never procreate again."

    The builder was going to laugh at her for two reasons, the first he didn't understand the word procreate and the second, he never took any lip off a woman. This was until he noticed that she wore a mean look and she was holding the sharp end of a stainless steel pitch fork right at his personal parts. Now he knew what that word procreate meant. He swallowed hard before apologising for being quick to temper.

    Sharon was happy with his apology. Placing down the fork and pulling Gordon away and also to get back to the original subject she asked him, "You never answered my question, where is my shed?"

    After witnessing one lady acting in such a threatening manner which brought tears to his eyes, he was now seriously thinking of making a run for it. After all Miss Sharon was not going to like his answer, "Well Luvvie, I showed you the plans and you agreed to a patio and where you said was where the shed used to stand."

    "I never did!"

    "I'm afraid you did, the plans are in the tent."

    Shaz followed Gordon to the tent and sure enough she had agreed to a patio right in the place of the shed. How the heck was she going to explain this to her husband? It was while she was thinking up an explanation, a distraction came her way in the form of the John Wayne look alike foreman.

    "Pardon me lady, but there's a Gent who wishes to speak to the chief."

    It took Sharon a second or two to realise that she was the chief, "Oh right. Where is he?"

    "Round the front mam!"

    "Thanks." Without further hesitation she walked through the building and with her loyal companion in tow they faced the man who had asked for her.

    Gordon was still in full flow twittering on about his mistake over the patio when a solar eclipse occurred. Looking up he observed not an eclipse but a gigantic man filling up one side of the double doors!

    Shaz just stared at this huge tall and very wide man, he was massive! All of about twenty four stone, six foot high and at least four and a half foot wide! He was blonde haired, blue eyed, he sported a very large jacket, or was it a tent and when he spoke he had a Lancashire accent.

    "Hello, are you the owner?" He asked as a broad smile ripped open his face.

    "Yes I'm Sharon the proprietor of this building, who may you be?"

    "I'm Bernard, you are expecting me." He reached out to shake her hand but it never came.

    Sharon wasn't going to shake his hand, he could be mental. She'd play this one with a little caution, "Am I?"

    "Yes. I've come to stay for a few weeks."

    "You have?"

    Bernard took his hand back before explaining, "Yes. I last visited this establishment about twenty or was it fifteen years ago, when I was twenty or was it fifteen? Never mind. Anyway it was then I decided to book again for another visit."

    Gordon's mouth fell open to trap some flies while Sharon just echoed the words her friend wanted to say, "But that was fifteen years ago!"

    He smiled again before saying "Yes I know, she said she would honour the booking and leave it in writing for the next owner."

    Shaz felt a little annoyed at this man and frustrated at his lack of foresight. "As you can see we are in no state to welcome visitors. We are now going through a refurbishment...."

    Gordon found his voice to butt in with..."An extensive refurbishment."

    "We are only going to be a Coffee shop, not a hotel." Then came the crunch, if he was mental then he would flip at her next words, "I'm sorry but you will have to look elsewhere for somewhere to stay." No outburst came. The guy just looked very upset and at this point she swore that a few tears were forming.

    "Oh, I see." The big guy said after quite a pause. "I have had many a fond memory here, when me and m..." He stopped at this point and smiled before nodding and saying, "I understand the situation. Sorry for the intrusion, is there a phone in the vicinity that I could use?"

    "You can borrow my mobile if you like?" Gordon said digging deep into his pocket to pull one pink coloured phone for the big man to borrow. He also looked for his handkerchief then realised he had given it away and now pretended that he had something in his eyes as he tried to wipe away a few stray tears.

    Sharon watched the big man take the phone and when he walked outside she noted about five rather large suitcases and noted also Gordon's attempt to be rid of a few tears. Decision time! "Excuse me Bernard. I've changed my mind, we will be able to put you up for a short while as long as you don't mind putting up with a lot of noise and dust."

    The large man turned and smiled his largest smile yet. "No, no, I don't mind at all. I will of course pay the going rate for the room." After giving the small reddish faced man with the watery eyes his phone back started to shake this kind ladies hand profusely.

    Sharon felt her whole body shake under the impact of one large handshake she wondered why this Bernard character so desperately wanted to stay here of all places. Then who cares! As long as he is content to pay the going rate. Then another thought crept it's way into her mind, "Oh darn it. I'm meant to be visiting my aunt this evening. Gordon could you rustle up a meal up for our guest?"

    "Yes I can. In fact I will show Mister Bernard to one of our better rooms, while you Miss Sharon get some rest after the stresses of this day."

    Gordon was still grovelling after he had decided to take the blame for the shed error. Still let him grovel a little more before she would forgive him for something he didn't do.