26.5.2009

SILENCE IN COURT!

    SILENCE IN COURT!

 http://www.netsaga.is/media/files/Melody.mp3

 

    Both walked into the courts and up to the reception in full flowing conversation.

    "So how did Clive take it?"

    "Well, actually he decided he still needed help, so he collared Bernard and took him out."

    "Oh yeah?" Sharon wasn't convinced that the big man would willingly give up a day of his holiday to work in a small van selling greasy chips.

    Ben picked up on her suspicion and had to confess, "Yeah, Clive told him that he was going to take him on a magical sight seeing tour of London. You know see Tower Bridge and Buckingham Palace through the haze of burning cooking oil, of course he omitted the oil bit."

    "Mister and Mrs...hello I'm Mr Pritchard your solicitor."

    This greeting came from a small short hairy man who smelt of garlic and looked like he had had a serious fight with his pin stripe suit with all the creases in it. Sharon adopted her usual reply when it came to people in whom she had little regard for..."Are you now."

    "Yes," he replied not knowing just how to take a response like that. He chewed it over before continuing, "We are due in court eight in about fifteen minutes. I have taken the liberty and prepared everything the court wishes to know. Just one further question. I take it that you wish to store the liquor in the cellar and you have the correct fire fighting equipment installed?"

    Shaz had read about all the requirements several times now about everything you can and can't do with alcohol on the premises. "Yes we have these in place."

    "Great! No problems." Looking at her husband he eyed the man up and down before feeling the need to add, "There is no need to wear sunglasses in the courtroom, there isn't any sunshine in there and there certainly isn't any interrogation, you know strapping yourself down and having a spot light glaring down at you." He thought the latter to be funny and so let out one nervous laugh.

    "Yeah well, I like to keep them on for now." Ben wasn't in the mood for laughing especially as his eye was hurting big time.

    The man stopped laughing, "Okay, whatever. Best follow me to the court room."

    Both were like cats on a hot tin roof while they waited to be summonsed. All too soon they were in. Then after the formalities were done it was question time.

    One of the court officials asked, "What do you require the liquor licence for?"

    Ben's head hurt and thumped along with a desired to get out of here. He let out a little annoyance at the stupid question coming from this so called egg head, "That?s a stupid question! What do you think we need it for?"

    Shaz tugged hard on his arm, "Shut it," before standing to address the court. "Your honour, as you already know, it would be a great benefit to sell alcohol within our restaurant premises." She felt relief that this judge had failed to pick up on her husband's outburst. Mind you she did find it disturbing when another member of the court kept whispering into the judges ear. Both were old enough to know better with their grey hair, after all wasn't grey hair meant to be a sign of wisdom she read somewhere? There must be a lot of wisdom in this court as most of them were grey headed! She also remembered that Superman movie where all those grey headed judges at the beginning of the film all pronounced the three bad guys dressed in black all "Guilty!" The bad dudes were squashed into a black triangle thingy and thrown out into space. As she looked upward she swore she could see the black triangle thingy coming from out of the sky and hover above them much like a bird of prey!

    "Stop scaring yourself," she muttered under her breath feeling slight relief when the judge asked another question.

    "You will be using this building of yours as a restaurant then, not as a house of ill repute?"

    Sharon didn't quite follow this question, "You what your honour?"

    He stared hard and fast over his desk before making his question really clear, "A place of prostitution."

    "A what? You calling my wife a prostitute? How dare you!" Ben shouted at the judge whilst trying to climb over the witness box. "Come down onto my level and say that again wiggy!"

    It was at this point as her husband shouted this, she realised that all the judges were wearing wigs! This served to relieve the pressure she was feeling until she realised as her brain started to work that they only wore wigs on serious trails like murder ones. So, she was a murderer!

    Again Shaz had to drag her paranoid thoughts away when she heard her lawyer shout out in Ben's direction."Get back in that box before you ruin everything!" Followed by the judge banging his hammer down and yelling, "I will have order in this court! You there! Get back in that witness box and you..." Pointing to their lawyer, "Stop making a scene, let go of the man!" The lawyer was actually trying to stop Ben from getting any closer to the judge.

    Sharon had to restore order, "Ben get back in here now! And Mr Pritchard let him go!"

    Both men looked at her and started to say, "But, but.."

    "No buts just do it."

    Ben got back into the box while Pritchard sat behind his desk.

    The judge now satisfied that order was restored spoke again, "Mr Dire. This is a standard question that I have to ask. I was not calling your wife a prostitute." Once again fixing them with his patented hard stare he voiced more woe, " I will not tolerate this sort of behaviour in my courtroom. If you make another outburst like the last one I will find you in contempt of court and will fine you accordingly. Do I make myself clear?"

    "I suppose so."

    He was still stewing, so Sharon gave him a real hard dig in the ribs.

    "Ouch! I mean yes your honour."

    "And one more thing, take those stupid glasses off. I like to see who I am talking too."

    Oops! He had little choice but to remove his glasses and reveal to the whole courtroom his black eye. The room suddenly filled with gasps of shock, followed by whispers including the judge and that other man again.

    "Judge Emerson, this man is perfect for us!"

    "Why? Because he is sporting a black eye?" The judge replied with a hint of sarcasm.

    The other looked at him wide eyed before explaining the obvious, "No, because he is out spoken, not afraid to look his audience in the eye and tell them what needs to be said."

    Emerson chewed it over before recapping on what Grimm was saying, "So Mr Grimm you are saying that this man standing before us would be the ideal candidate for the forth coming Shop Workers meeting."

    Grimm felt he had struck gold "Yes. He's new to the place and with his clear crisp voice he would be an ideal speaker."

    It was good, but there was one snag. "Has he signed up with the union?"

    Grimm was one step ahead as he had already thought of this. "No sir, but you could order him to."

    "Ah!" The light dawned on the judge. "Mr Dire, just how did you get that black eye?"

    Here came the most obvious next question of the preceding. Ben would have to tell the truth. "Well your honour, you see my wife gave it to me. You see I was........."

    Sharon butted in with, "He was in my way and I didn't see him, I accidentally hit him with my elbow."

    "Elbow!" The judge said all surprised. "No. I don't believe this to be the true story. Now I put you under oath Mr Dire to tell this court the truth!"

    Both Sharon and Ben looked at each other before he decided he had little choice. "Okay your honourable one. I was surrounded by six men in ninja suits. They wanted my wallet, I said 'no', they said, 'yes'. So I said, 'Do you want a fight about it?' They said 'yes!' So I gave them one using the knowledge of watching all those kung fu films of the seventies. I had also learnt how to walk on rice paper without leaving a mark and holding large red hot containers. I also become skilled at how to use a bamboo cane. Anyway you know how Ninja's attack! The first I waked him in the goo.. ur, lower area before knocking him out with a kick to the head. The second one knocked my cane from out of my hands, so I crowned him over the head with my large hot pot. The third fell over the second lying on the floor and I knocked this one out with my smelly feet from wearing those ninja ballyshoes all the time. The forth I did away with a swift karate chop to the neck, the fifth decided to run for it which left me with the last one and the ugliest and tallest of them all. He showed off by giving me a ten minute demonstration of his mortal combat skills before going into combat. After ten minutes of fighting which included flying through the air and jumping up and down ten foot walls, or if you are running in metric about three metres I got sloppy and that?s when he landed me with a right hook to the eye. I felt a little dazed when hitting the dirt. Then making a quick getaway I unrolled my rice paper and ran along it to the other side. My opponent laughed at me before walking rather heavily over it making all sorts of dents. When he was halfway over he made his mistake, he cracked the paper and in doing so fell through it and down a rather large manhole. I never saw him again and I learned a powerful lesson. The bigger you are the harder you fall through rice paper covering manholes!" He finished his presentation of lies by bowing low to the judge and cracking his forehead on the witness box.

    "Judge! He is the one for our meetings."

    "Yes Grimm he is."

    Shaz was having kittens, after what an obvious lie! She noted that her lawyer was packing up his case and shaking his head in resignation.

    The judge after finishing another lesson in how to whisper announced... "Mr and Mrs Dire I will grant you a licence on one condition."

    "What condition your judge, honour?" Ben asked as he rubbed his sore head.

    "The condition is that you agree to sign up for the shop workers union and you Mr Dire will be chief speaker at the next meeting."

    "What me?" he wanted to laugh at them.

    "Yes you!" Grimm replied backing Emerson up.

    "Well I don't know," Ben was saying.

    Sharon couldn't believe it! Against all odds they were getting this licence and now her husband was in the process of throwing it away? Wrapping her hand around his mouth she shouted, "Yes your honour, he will do it."

    Yes reeled in and caught! "Very well I grant you a liquor licence, court dismissed."

    With a clap of the hammer Sharon had her licence and her husband joined the shop workers union and would be chief speaker for their next meeting to the obvious delight of the judge and his monkey boy. She learned another valuable lesson; that is that not all judges could tell the truth from fiction even if it came up and tugged at their wigs.