26.5.2009

THE SHAPE OF THINGS TO COME.

    THE SHAPE OF THINGS TO COME.

http://www.netsaga.is/media/files/Lunardog&Mesonyx-Sleep%20Deprived,%20mix%20svenni%20999.mp3

    It was eight thirty in the morning as big Bernard rolled out of bed landing with a crash onto the floor. He picked himself up with extreme ease and after taking a note of the time whilst rubbing his eyes, he set out across his new room towards his wardrobe. As he walked over you could only admire the sheer size of this person as all he was dressed in was a pair of boxer shorts. Now this wardrobe was a big double one and had two full size mirrors on the doors, obviously designed for the fashion conscious who wanted to look good all the time. Bernard made it and decided to look in the right mirror. Standing in front of it he admired the wonderful fine shape his body was in these days. All those muscles primed for action?hold on all we can see is his head, his body was obscured by a life size cardboard cut-out of none other than Arnold Swartznigger! This only served to give Bernard the illusion that he was for a few seconds in the morning a mister universe. It was he that had beat Arnie to that title all those years ago before, oh, as he slipped past that mirror onto the one that had no optical illusions; his fat self.

    "Oh, mister fat blob. No back to the other mirror for me. Aha mister universe back from your mornings training I see! Ha! I will beat the world with my super trained body of iron!"

    He stood there pretending to pose for the press before walking through to the bathroom to admire his facial features and there stuck to the cabinet glass was mister Swartznigger?s head. Bernard again chose to comment on his fine features, good pearly white teeth, fine cheek bones and well groomed hair. Then he caught his real self. Sighing he mumbled, "Oh well, back to reality, now time for a bath! No I will try the shower today, I haven?t tried that one yet."

    Staring at the rather skinny shower room which was a bricked walled affair with a glass door he commented, "The shower it is, a little squeeze and I?ll fit in."

    After a little muscle work Arnie would have been proud of he squeezed in there. It was only when he went to reach up for the control to activate the hot water, he realised he was actually quite stuck.

    "Oh no, this cannot be happening." Yet after about five minutes of grunting and groaning he had to admit?"I?m stuck!" He yelled before crying with panic and shouting again, "help me I can?t get out, a hygiene related mishap!"

    Ben came in after cleaning his burger van, actually he had called it many names, all unflattering in times of stress. Still today as he walked into his kitchen a sight of sheer beauty welcomed him. His wife, as if you didn?t know.

    "Well, hello sexy!" He yelled out making Shaz jump up and spin round to reveal a red face. She always did that when he called her sexy.

    "Oh hi love. Finished cleaning the van already?"

    "Yeap, now come and give us a snog!"

    "Well, I don?t think I should."

    "If you don?t I will be forced to chase you around this table until I catch you and have my wicked way with you."

    Sharon decided a playful Ben was a good Ben. Playing along wouldn?t hurt as she put on her English maid accent, "You will have to catch me sir to have your wicked way."

    "My dear lady that will have to be the case, so be it!"

    So the chase began until finally Sharon gave up and allowed her husband to slobber all over her lips and neck. Until I should say, she chose to break the spell. "Love I bought some of your favourite cakes from Miller?s bakery, I thought you?d like one with your cuppa."

    Ben was taken aback, flattered. "Wow, cream cakes at nine! What a treat! Eh? Hold on, treats early in the morning means that Sharon wants me to agree or do something. Okay play along," his brain said to himself.

    "There you go, your tea with a nice thick cream cake, a horn of plenty."

    Now a horn of plenty was in reality a coned shaped puff pasty outer with lashings of real cream inside, finished off with a cherry on top. The tea was just an ordinary run of the mill affair. Ben sat down watching his wife sit and began to lick the top off her own cone.

    "So Shaz, what are you up to today?"

    She took the cone away from her mouth, "today is the day of the first wave of interviews."

    "Oh yes, in the vain hope that we can find ourselves a world class chef, cooking team, laundry team and a good bunch of waiting staff and other bods."

    "We will get them, it may take a little time, but we will get them."

    As he looked into his wife?s eyes, he wished he shared her enthusiasm and optimism about the staff. After what he had heard about staff loyalty and hard work around here made his heart sink. He sat back and decided to add; "I wish you and Gordon all the luck in the world, you are going to need it."

    "Actually, it is you, I, Gordon and Bernard."

    And there it was, the payment Ben was going to make for his early morning treat. He had to think fast, "I thought you wanted me to take out the van and sell, sell, sell."

    "No Clive can do that as he does most of the work now. I need you here with me."

    Ben sat there in silence as he watched her take a small bite from the base of the cone. This was a weird way of eating it, first lick the cream from off the top of the cone, then bite off the bottom. As he watched her, he remembered something. Last night he had gone for a walk and had bumped into Chang. Chang had requested something very strange indeed.

    "Shaz."

    "Yes love."

    "If I am empowered to interview people I must be empowered to offer them a position on the spot then? Only if they are good enough of course."

    "Yeah, I trust your judgement."

    "Good."

    Shaz narrowed her eyes as smelt a snake in the grass, "why?"

    "Because I have a person in mind who could be a very good helper to us."

    "Who?"

    "Chang."

    "Chang!" She yelled out as another few words went the same way as the first, "are you serious?"

    Ben lowered his cream cake feeling the need to explain why. "Yes. He asked me for a job. I thought he was joking, but no, he is deadly serious, very serious in fact. But I did tell him it was up to you as you were the one doing the interviewing."

    "No way, I?m not having that scum bag in my employment. He would only steal from the others and use this place for his illegal dealings. No, I will not allow that to happen to my club!"

    Silence fell as both parties stared at each other before Benny boy broke it by playing tough. "Well, think about it Shaz, okay?"

    Then she smiled and said, "yes, I?ve thought about it and I?ve decided to change my mind and give you an answer now."

    He was amazed that his wife was conceding and he was actually going to win one, "So ?yes? is your answer?"

    Shaz smiled as she picked up her cream cake again. "Well actually it?s?" she placed her lips to the smaller end and blew into it and into Ben?s face!

    One second he was smiling, the next he had cream all over his face! He just sat there as the cream started to slide from off of his face as the last words from his wife echoed in his ears before she stormed off?"Over my dead body!"

    After silence had reined supreme Ben took a sip of his tea before saying to no one in particular, "well she took that better then expected."

    Sharon was annoyed, first Chang comes along and takes money for his group, then comes along another time and demands a job with them and probably a good wage and all! What a crook. Now where was Bernard? Not that he had anything remotely connected with the aforementioned criminal. He was meant to be at her flat over an hour ago. At present she found herself outside his door. Knocking she waited, no one came. She could hear something, but just couldn?t make it out. Shaz tried the door again and found it to be locked. She was just about to leave when she quite clearly heard that strange noise, like a moaning sound. Maybe he was in trouble, collapsed or something? Should she go in or stay away?

    Shaz decided to go in using her master card that you just slot in the wall and it opens the door by activating an electronic lock. All good hotels have them and Sharon made sure hers did too. Entering she took a look around to find no one here, only the bed needed to be made. Then as she shrugged her shoulders a ghostly voice called out in a kind of feint echo.

    "Help me please, anyone!"

    Without hesitation Sharon legged it into the bathroom and round to the shower to be faced with one large naked man, who seemed to be squashed and even more out of shape in the shower cubical. For the second time today Sharon?s face went all red with embarrassment.

    Turning away to face the wall she found a few words to say to the guy, "It?s me Sharon, what?s up?"

    "I?m stuck! Can?t you see that? Get me out of here!" Bernard shouted feeling his voice going hoarse from all the bellowing he had already done.

    "Don?t worry I?ll get help." Forgetting her anger at her husband she shot off and up to get him.

    Ben upon finding out forgot his edgy feelings towards his wife and went along to address the problem. This was too bigger job for just a husband and wife, he required assistance. "I?ll get Clive."

    Running down the hallway he made it to Clive?s room, banging on the door he yelled, "Clive, Clive! We need your help." Nothing happened. "Clive get up and help me, It?s Bernard. No I?m not Bernard, he needs our help. " Still no reply. Ben got out his master card and did the same trick as Shaz.

    Opening the door he instantly found out the reason. The room stank of booze with bottles on the floor and on the bed was one drunk man asleep with glass in hand. Ben?s heart sank a mile as the only words he could say was, "oh Clive." With head lowered he went to walk away before remembering he needed the guys? help.

    "Clive wake up you bum and get your backside moving."

    "Whaa, what, er who?"

    "Wake up, I need your help." Ben carried on shaking the guy as he lay half dead.

    Clive opened his eyes to reveal two yellow balls, stained by a heavy nights private drinking. "What do you want?"

    "Bernard is stuck in the shower, I need you to help me get him out."

    "Go away, I?m sleep?in here." With that he closed his eyes and went to sleep again.

    Ben stood there with hands on hips before feeling anger flow through him. "Right! No more mister nice guy." He ran over to the mini bar, opening it up and finding the freezer tray he pulled out two trays of ice cubes. Running back he smacked them together allowing the loose ice cubes to fall onto the man?s chest allowing the chill to go to work and slip into his open shirt.

    "Ah that?s cold!" Clive shouted as he literally jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom to release the cubes lodged in his shirt.

    Ben followed him. "Glad to see you are awake now you drunken bum."

    Clive didn?t like those words and as he felt anger it was suddenly replaced by a feeling of remorse. Last night he had given in to the demon drink and let down Gloria.

    "I?m sorry man, it?s the first time in a while."

    "Why did you do it?"

    "It was that champagne that did it. I was doing well until you and Sharon made me have a few glasses and then a bottle of the stuff. What with the shakes and attacks of depression I gave in, sorry."

    Ben felt suddenly a strong sense of guilt. After all it was his and his wife?s fault.

    "Okay, it?s okay. Look just get some fresh clothes on and gargle some mouth wash and hurry as Bernard is waiting for a rescue."

    Clive pulled a smile of thanks as he went to work getting scrubbed up in record time.

    When he arrived he was faced with no drunken illusion, Bernard was definitely stuck in the shower with his lower face staring right at him. The shock helped to clear the drunken haze. Staring at his companions he asked, "what shall we do?"

    "Let?s try and pull at his arms and see if we can free him that way."

    Both men tried to no avail. Sharon came up with a suggestion about using lathered soap and hopefully dislodge the suction of the skin against the tiled walls. This they tried and failed, all they did was to give the guy a soapy wash.

    "Oh man, best just call the fire brigade, they can help."

    Bernard weighed matters up replying, "No you don?t go letting firemen go tinkering with my bits. It?s bad enough allowing you guys to see me this way."

    The group took note of Bernard?s objections before Ben had an idea. "What if we get a masonry drill and make a few holes. Get a tow rope from the van and putting it round Bernard we can pull him out."

    "What? Ruin my perfect walls, no way."

    "Well it?s either that or we leave him there and we feed, wash and take wastage from him for the rest of his life."

    "Okay I get your point, what do you want me to do?"

    "Love I want you to go and fetch the tow rope from your car, or van. Clive I would like you to fetch my drill and extension cable from my room, while I will work out exactly where I?m to drill without putting a hole in the big guy."

    "Mind you, if you put a hole in him he might fly off like a big balloon." As soon as Clive said this he knew it to be the wrong thing as all who could stare at him did in a way to show displeasure. "I?m off to get the drill."

    Sharon was down and out in a second and as she was sifting through the mess of her boot looking for the illusive tow rope, she felt the presence of a shadow. Leaping up she banged her head on the boot lid and swore.

    "What the hell do you want?"

    "Yo lady duder, er, sorry to dis?um, trouble you." This was said by that weird looking guy Phil, who kept the reptiles.

    "What do you want?" Shaz asked again hoping he would get what he required out quickly, instead of stammering.

    Phil took a half step back, swallowed several times before stating his purpose. "I was wondering if you have seen Vinnie?"

    Shaz frowned before light came upon her, "Vinnie? Oh yes your pet snake. He has escaped again?" This was getting to be a regular occurrence that one no one liked. She had found it once, well Gordon and Bernard had. This snake had also turned up at an old peoples home in some old dear?s bed. Now it was out again for the third time in about four to six months.

    "No I haven?t seen your snake. If I do you will be informed. Now will you excuse me, I have a fat man to free." Those cold toned words allowed her to be rid of Phil and get on with... aha! finding the illusive tow rope which had just shown where it was hiding. Always at the bottom and stuck under the spare wheel.

    "Right! Now don?t panic we?ve worked out where the drill is going in." Ben announced from his side of the walled shower cubical. He started the drill only to see Clive waving his arms at him, so he stopped.

    "Hold it man, let me hold this big sucker of a drill as well. Don?t want you slipping with it and drilling the wrong hole and going through the big guy."

    "Good call! Okay, ready?"

    "Ready."

    "Bernard?"

    An echoed voice called out, "no." He had heard what Clive had said.

    "Too bad!" With that the drill started up and all you could hear was the sound of the drill along with the big guy screaming which serves to remind us of the dentist?s chair.

    The masonry drill did it?s work with two holes in the wall with enough space to get a large rope through.

    "Where?s Sharon with that tow rope?"

    "Maybe she?s gone to buy one." Clive came out with.

    "Well I hope she hurries, cause I need the toilet," Bernard felt he needed to say, then as he looked down, something else made him suddenly lose that feeling. A head pushed open the drain cover and popped out. It was a head he?d not forget in a hurry. "Hey guys, help it?s Vinnie!"

    "What did you say?" Asked Ben as he was nearly out of the door on his mission to find his wife.

    Clive shrugged his shoulders, "I think he?s gone hysterical in there."

    "Sn, n, aaake!"

    Sure enough the big reptile raised itself up onto the cubical floor.

    "Oh man it?s that nasty snake." Clive grumbled as he backed away from the whimpering man watching the snake pass between his legs.

    Ben looked on in horror before needs must as an idea fell into his mind like a snake onto a man?s head. "Clive get the things tail, I?ll get it?s head."

    "No way man!"

    "If you don?t, I will tell a certain someone about you know what."

    Clive?s eyes widened. "You wouldn?t."

    "Try me."

    Clive just stared at Ben for a few moments, just determining whether he was bluffing. Being the card expert he was, he knew the look to be genuine. No option now but to help out. "Okay, I?ll get the tail."

    "Hey guys, you?re not doing what I think you are doing, are you?"

    "Yes we are!" Came the untied reply.

    "But what if he decides to squeeze me."

    "In that case you will still get out, as he makes you a thinner guy," came Ben?s reply before adding, "think of it as a crush diet, instead of a crash diet."

    "Ha, ha! Very funny."

    Clive had the tail, "Okay man, what do I do now?"

    "Slide under Bernard?s legs and pull the tail through the hole then lace it through the other one."

    Clive did as told and once on the other side he eyed Bernard up and down feeling the need to say, "for a large guy you ain?t very big down there."

    "Just get on with your job and ignore the scenery!"

    Without another word Clive threaded the tail through the hole and slipped back under.

    Ben was relieved that Vinnie was being well behaved as he had the large head looking at him. "Have you got the tail?"

    "Yeah, just in time as I think it wanted to slip back."

    "Right the snake is slack. Clive on the count of three, pull hard." He waited to get the right acknowledgement before shouting the order to go. Both suddenly pulled on this big snake making it go taught and as it did it hit the big man hard in the chest followed by a popping sound as he was catapulted from his cell. Ben let go of Vinnie and was almost run over by Bernard as he went to get some clothes on.

    "Thanks guys!" Came the belated reply from the bedroom.

    Ben laid there on the floor with one snake staring at him. Looking at it he asked, "are you alright buddy?" The snake just stuck it?s tongue out at him. "I?ll take that as a yes."

    Interviews came round very quickly after the Bernard incident.

    "This is what we do. We will interview in pairs, that way we have a more rounded out view of the person. Remember no instant decisions. If you think they can do the job, put their file on the red tray, if not the blue one." Said Sharon as she stood behind the desk in one of the interview rooms which were situated on the first floor. They were in reality guest rooms, but as no guests were present yet, interview rooms they are. She got nods of understanding. "Ben and I will be in the next room if needed."

    "Excuse me luvvy."

    Shaz was about to leave when her friend called out. "Yes Gordy."

    Gordy? What the hell is going on now? Have they gone mental? This was really getting stupid now Ben thought as Gordon carried on speaking.

    "Where are the application forms?"

    "The what?"

    "You know the forms they are to fill out if they require the job."

    "You don?t need any. The Job Agency gave me a list of interested ones and the time of their arrival."

    "Oh boy, we are in trouble," Gordon cried out as he was dressed in his bright turquoise suit with matching shoes and tie. His shirt was bright yellow along with his socks and handkerchief.

    Shaz came out with, "why?"

    "Because luvvy, without that form we cannot tell if our applicants are skilled in the position we are offering."

    "Oh, I never thought of that."

    Ben couldn?t believe it. After all, on one hand Sharon could become really incredibly stupid. He loved that in her. After all, an element of unpredictability was what kept up his love for her. Not that he was saying he wouldn?t love her if she was consistent. It was just when she missed something obvious it was fun.

    He chose to speak, "Well Gordy," he selected these words to be as sarcastic as possible to show the guy just how ridiculous he is. "You and everyone in the room will have to ask what position they are applying for and ask pinpointed questions related to their experience. Then we can chose who is qualified and who is wasting yours and my time." Yes that got the guy, not only had he come up with a logical solution, he had also sounded good with it. So Gordy you can stick that in your poofy pipe and smoke it! Ha!

    Gordon had to concede this and so muttered, "Yes, that is a good idea Benny boy. Then imagination and invention is the way in which we shall walk. What do you say Bernard?"

    Bernard had lost the plot and stammered out, "oh, yeah, right fine. As long as there are no more snakes."

    Shaz looked at her watch. "Okay guys it?s eleven lets get moving!"

 

    Inside the Triad?s lair earlier on before the Bernard incident, Chino spoke out into the darkness, "So you will make it work?"

    "Yes father it will work."

    "You know full well the price of failure."

    "Yes father." Chang knew the penalty of failure. It was painful, yet brief.

    "Don?t think that because you are my number two guy, you are exempt from punishment."

    "No father, I expect a far heavier punishment to be taken in consideration."

    Silence again fell as Chino in his half lit room thought things through again. His decision was... "Okay son you may go. Do not return until you have evidence of a conspiracy against this organisation."

    Chang didn?t wait for anymore talk, he just turned allowing the steel door to close behind him.

    Chino watched him leave. If all that was said was true then he would have the greatest of pleasure in burning down that bogus joint. Then again if Chang was wrong? Then he would be taken out of the organisation. He still had his number one man in hold. No one saw this guy in the flesh. He was undercover and watched everything.

    Pressing a cold steel button he spoke into the comm. "Have number one call on me. We need to talk."

    A smile came to Chino?s face. If Chang was going to defect then it would be wise to have another watching and waiting just in case. If nothing happened, then good, but if it did he would take care of business while Chang took a long, very long vacation.

    At eleven on the dot, three interviewees walked through the door. Hey? Hold on three?

    "Um, Shaz there are three?" Ben echoed all our thoughts here.

    "No two, oh, hold on three."

    "Hi my name is Chang, I?m here for a job!" He offered his hand as he smiled at her.

    Shaz could see full well who he is. Had Ben put him up to this? "I can full well see who you are. There are no vacancies for you."

    "Oh come on lady, there must be something I can do."

    "There is and I ain?t going to say it as it would turn this hallway blue with expletives. Leave before I call the police."

    "I can work as hard as the next man here. I can do stuff, loads of stuff."

    Sharon placed her hands upon her hips, hostile reply was coming. "No you look!" Told you so! "I need staff I can trust. I don?t need someone going round stealing cash or valuables from off my staff or clients."

    "Look lady! I just want a clean start. I want to learn a valuable career, get knowledge about business, this type of business. I want to change from a bully boy into a, a bell boy."

    This scum bag?s eyes were wide open an honest from the heart gesture or was he a good liar? Shaz let the silence hang for a few more seconds. "Okay Chang you are in for now. But if there are any reports about you nicking or bullying anyone in this building I will throw you out. Do I make myself clear?"

    Chang?s face broke out into a large smile before he found the words to say, "Yeah lady I can dig that."

    "It?s miss Sharon to you."

    "Okay la?miss Sharon. When can I start?"

    "Now. You can show all interviewees up to the first floor. The first two can come up, one to room fourteen, the other to number seven opposite."

    "Yes miss Sharon." With that Chang who was sporting an Armani suit ushered these two hopefuls upstairs.

    Ben couldn?t believe what his wife had just done. "I thought you weren?t going to hire anyone on their first interview?"

    Shaz stopped halfway up, "just shut it will you. I didn?t have a choice. If I had said no then my club will not be standing tomorrow and all my hard work would be for nothing. But mark my words, I am not going to let him or his organisation ruin my business; now is that perfectly clear?"

"Um, yeah, quite clear dear." He watched her walk on up. Boy she was angry! Ben loved her when she was wound up and dressed in a business suit. It made her look very sexy.