26.5.2009

DAZED, DUMB, BRIGHT AND CONFOUNDED

 

 

    DAZED, DUMB, BRIGHT AND CONFOUNDED

 

http://www.netsaga.is/media/files/S-Slowly%20burning.mp3
 

    Ben and Shaz successfully picked up a handful of good candidates, two handfuls of no, no?s and another late arrival was just coming through the door. One beleaguered looking Chang announced, "A miss Samantha Daze. Currently late for her interview."

    The girl spoke up as soon as she entered, "I am your half past two, one. My car broke down due to the fact that I kinda put the wrong petrol in my car, actually it?s diesel I put in when it should have been unleaded."

    This girl was very slim with big blue eyes and very blonde hair, she had a very nice smile, friendly. Ben decided to ask a question while his wife was figuring out in her mind about the pumps and how you can confuse black with green. You could tell by the slight furrow of her brow. "So, was it a new car?"

    "No, I?ve had it six years. It?s just now and then I get the pumps mixed up. After all black and green is so easy to confuse when you are in a hurry."

    "Ur, yeah. Let?s put this little miss-adventure down to nerves," spoke Sharon who was really beginning to wilt under the constant nerd brigade that wanted jobs.

    "Please sit down."

    The girl went to walk towards the designated chair when suddenly she twisted her ankle on her high heeled shoes and went down like a sack of spuds. All you heard on the way down was, "Ouch! Oops the floor."

    Ben couldn?t see the lass anymore from his side of the desk. Calling out in concern, "Are you okay?"

    First one hand slapped itself upon the desk top, then another as this young lady pulled herself back up onto her feet whilst adjusting her suit and hair which had broken loose from the formerly neat ponytail. "Yeah, fine. Just a little accident prone, hence why I keep on landing myself out of work. The worst time was when I was working in a fireworks factory. I was constantly told not to smoke inside the factory and I didn?t, honest!"

    Sharon was tapping the table in irritation at this point as she looked up and urged the girl to?"Go on."

    "I was outside having a smoke. When I finished I placed it just inside in a bucket of sand, which I thought was for putting fires out or covering spillages. How was I to know it was an open keg of gunpowder. The whole place went up in seconds." Then she smiled, "No one died though."

    "Oh my, why hasn?t she killed anyone by her stupidity?" Shaz mumbled under her breath before addressing this thin pale girl again. "Have you brought along your C.V?"

    "Um, no. I kinda had an accident with it."

    "Don?t tell me, your dog chewed it up." Ben came in with just trying to make light of this whole bad situation.

    "Close. Actually I was doing a bit of cooking when I was filling out my form and I was using the waste disposal unit to chop up some waste, when I accidentally knocked my form into the sink and it went straight down the hole and shredded it. I tried to dry it out and stick it together but as you can see," the girl pulled out of her bag a smelly curry looking covered, sticky tape mess. "It didn?t work, I took all night to do it and stills smell a bit. So I made up a edited C.V for you both to look at."

    Shaz wondered if this woman ever paused properly for breath. She was a whirlwind of disaster! With that she had had enough. "Just place it down on our desk and we will read it later. Thanks for your time. We will call you if you get through to the next interview stage." Before picking up the girls C.V and tossing it into the ?not a chance pile?.

    The girl grinned, "Oh, okay, thanks for your time." Sam walked over to the door where on the way out she managed to pull off the door handle as she hadn?t worked out the lever needed to be pulled down, not yanked at in a straight fashion. "Oops! Kinda fell off in my hands. Sorry."

 

    Gordon and Bernard as you know had had their fair share of funny people, yet this young lady which sat before them had many qualifications especially in the catering and serving areas. Silver service waitress just to mention one of them. They found out nearly everything except her name. Gordon finally popped the question and waited as the young strawberry blond lady hesitated before finally answering.

    "My name is, Tiffany, Tiffany Lampshade."

    What? A nice young girl named after a well know light fitting? Gordon felt lost for words as his lips quivered, but Bernard wasn?t.

    "You have been named after a light fitting?"

    "Yes. A kind of weird sense of humour that my late parents possessed. It?s quite okay, you can laugh at it. I think everyone has in their time."

    "No my dear. You will find that Gordon and I do will not laugh at your name." He looked round to see his partner who had apparently been lost for words now crouched behind the desk quietly laughing. "Or will we make fun of it. Will we Gordon?" He added once more to snap the little fellow out of it.

    Gordon raised himself up from a doubled over position compose himself for his reply. "Stupid laces always come undone at the most inconvenient time." Looking at miss Lampshade he addressed her. "No luvvie. In fact this interview has been very refreshing and you have been a bright light in a dark interview room full of people who can?t even write their own names let alone do what you can do."

    Gordon expected a big smile from her, but all he got was a frown, "Have I said something wrong?"

    "Yes, about a bright light!"

    "Oop?s, sorry Tiffany I mean?t?"

    "That?s okay, I know you didn?t mean it."

    "Yes Gordon is an honest fellow, not like some of those shady characters you can get around."

    "Bernard!"

    "W...what?"

    "Don?t mention shades in front of this girl."

    "I simply meant like Tiffany here you are an illumination in a world full of shades, not in lampshades." Bernard felt his big face going red as he gradually dug himself a bigger hole in front of this pretty girl.

    Tiffany felt this to be getting a little to thick, "Guys, guys! Please don?t say anymore. May I go now?"

    Gordon stared at her from his side of the lens needing to say something in a positive nature. "Yes you may go and don?t forget to be here to start work on Monday."

    Tiffany?s face lit up like one of those lampshades before asking, "I can?"

    "Yes. Be here for nine thirty."

    This was heaven! Reaching forward and shaking both men?s hands she said, "oh thank you both. See you then." Before leaving with a spring in her stride.

    "What a lovely girl eh Bernard?"

    Bernard agreed before feeling the need to question his friend. "Um Gordy, didn?t Sharon say about something to do with not rushing in and employing anyone yet."

    The small guy grinned pulling a wink at the same time. "One can?t hurt. Besides Tiffany is too good to let go."

 

    Sitting directly in front of Sharon and Ben was the last of the interviews, well actually the last three.

    "Let?s just run this by us again. All of you are called Bob."

    "That?s right," replied all three in unison.

    "And all of you have the same surname?"

    "That?s right." They replied.

    "Okay, I?m confused," Ben came up with as he thrust back into his chair with so much force he fell backwards off of it to land with a thud on the floor.

    "Ha, ha, ha!" Went the three Bob?s in three fits of laughter. All looked alike. All had dark matt hair, dark brown eyes and all had similar builds which didn?t help matters.

    "Would one of you please explain this situation?" Sharon shouted over the roars of laughter as her husband picked himself up and sat down. Suddenly the laughter stopped, the slightly thinner one of the three stood up.

    "Let me explain. I am Bob Christopher Jordan. To my right is Bob Alan Jordan and to my left is Bob Barry Jordan."

    "All of you have different middle names?"

    "Yes!" Said Bob, um the thinner one, just to avoid anymore confusion here. Anyway he continued to speak, "You see our mom, God bless her soul, was dyslexic. When she was asked to give out our names to the guy who does all that sort of thing. he recorded on our birth certificate me which is Bob Christopher instead of Christopher Bob. The same happened to my other brothers present. As Alan Bob ended up Bob Alan?"

    "And Bob Barry should have been Barry Bob!" Shouted out Ben.

    "Yes, that?s right you got it my fellow," Bob Barry Jordan called out in his broad Devonshire accent.

    Sharon wasn?t so impressed with this broad display of stupidity as she chimed in to stop the name game, "If I was to give you all a job, how could we clear up this mess?"

    "Oh that is really simple."

    "How Bob Christopher Jordan?" Shaz asked hoping for an intelligent answer.

    "Miss Sharon, it?s as simple as a, b, c."

    "Pardon me?"

    "You?re excused. Most ladies down our way have terrible wind." Bob Christopher smiled gracefully as his brother Bob Alan backed up with, "Smells a bit too."

    "Depends on the type of lady, I think," Bob Barry finally added before Miss Sharon drowned out their conversation.

    "As easy as a, b, c?"

    "Just use the initial of our second names! A, for Alan, B, for Barry and C, for me."

"Why can?t I just use you full middle names?"

    "No that would get too complicated, just use a simple initial like us."

"Not the only thing that?s simple around here." Ben muttered as he looked over at the three B?s.

    "We have been in training for this and got it down to a fine art."

    "Eh?"

    "Yes Ben!"

    "No, I didn?t say A as in the alphabet, but eh as in I didn?t get what your brother just said."

    The three then went into a discussion about what Ben had just said and this led Sharon to interpose and shout out, "Okay use those letters of the alphabet we will work with that. If you get a job here. Now could you all just say goodbye and leave in an orderly way out the door behind you right now."

    After the three Bob?s had gone Ben nudged his wife and said, "They really started to freak you out didn?t they?" Her look said volumes.