26.5.2009

WEAK BOWELS, SNAKE BITES, SILLY SUITS

 

 

 

 

WEAK BOWELS, SNAKE BITES, SILLY SUITS

AND pill popping.

http://www.netsaga.is/media/files/good%20runnings.mp3

 

 

The actual celebrations went on a long way into the night, but the next day came along all too soon for many. Once again Sharon was feeling ill, after being up and nearly throwing up for twenty minutes it just seemed to go away. Walking into the bathroom she opened up the medical cabinet and found bottles upon bottles of vitamins.

In there she shouted out to her hubby who was somewhere, in the kitchen she guessed by the sound of creaking floorboards. "Clive has the day off. Who?s doing the van run today?"

"Bernard and Gordon offered their services."

"I thought Gordon was meeting Chino?"

"Nah. Chang rang through to cancel that meeting. Gordon had the day off, so Bernard and I persuaded him to help us out for a change." Ben in came upon his wife, he spied the mountains of vitamin pills in the medical cabinet. Why are they in the cabinet? He couldn?t slap one of those orange tablets upon an open wound to stop the bleeding? Also if he was bleeding he?d have to clear out all those bottles to get to the first aid kit now hidden at the back. This would take about an hour, why not just bleed to death doing that!

"How come we have a load, no a mountain of high dosage vitamin tablets in the medical cabinet? Do you really require all of those?"

She turned and grinned, "Sure I do. Each of these tablets contains needed body requirements for a healthy me."

"Since when have you cared about a healthy lifestyle?"

"Since I became pregnant."

Ben had to concede to the greater importance here. "Ah, I see. Keep popping thmen down the hatch."

"Well love as the saying goes, an vitamin a day keeps the doctor?s at bay."

Actually it was an old saying which originally stated that an apple a day, keeps the dentist at bay. He knew because his mother used to take him along to the dentists and there was a massive white poster with a picture of a green apple. Below sat those infamous words. But for now, for good measure he decided to help himself to some. He didn?t have a clue what they were for. He got to a packet with little round pills inside and took one.

"I wouldn?t take one of those hun."

"Why? Must be good for you."

"Not that type. They are my old pills for stopping me getting pregnant."

Once this had sunk in, he spat the offending item out into the sink and washed it away. Stepping out of the bathroom and following his giggling wife who would probably tell Gordon about his blunder, he decided to tell her something else.

"I took the liberty of purchasing an engagement gift for Clive and Gloria."

"What did you get?"

"I got them a matching set of his and her towels."

"Oh, ur nice." She hated all those mushy his and her matching things. They to her were very tacky and people who had these things possessed a screw loose somewhere. You didn?t need matching things to express your love and unity. Her face said it all as she tried to place lipstick on her nose after her mouth had decided to drop a mile. "Matching towels with their names on them, yuk!"

"What?s that dear?" Ben inquired, though her reply was distorted by the boiling kettle in the kitchen.

Did she say that out loud? Must be loosing it. "I said oh great, very, nice, yes nice gift hun."

As Ben opened up one kitchen cabinet that held the bags he found another bottle which had B6 written on it. He took one of them. After swallowing it he called out, "Your drinks nearly ready."

"I can see," Shaz replied as she came into the kitchen and gave him a kiss.

"You missed one of your vitamin tablets this morning."

Sharon frowned as she took her drink, "I don?t think so."

"Try vitamin B6."

"B6? No, I?ve run out of B6."

"No you haven?t, you must have misplaced them, they are here," Ben waved the pot in front of her eyes.

"Ah," Shaz grinned before explaining, "That?s not B6."

"It is, it says so right here on the label."

"You didn?t read the black marker wording on the back."

"No," Ben rapidly turned the plastic bottle round to see large thick black words on the back.

"They are tablets for constipation."

"Your what?"

"Laxatives dear, they make you go to the toilet." She noted the blood draining from her husbands face. "You didn?t!"

"How was I to?.urr...I have to go now." That was it, toilet time and there was no way he was coming out of there for a long time.

 

 

"I can?t believe you are wearing a suit!"

"And why not?" Gordon replied in his high voice.

"Because it is the most impractical things you can wear whilst cooking burgers."

"I am wearing an apron you know!"

Bernard moved round the small chap hoping he wouldn?t trip over a box of cans on the floor and in so doing flatten the little person. As he negotiated his way round he felt the need to carry on the suit conversation. "Oh well, it?s your loss. You will ruin it and it will end up in the dry cleaners getting rid of the smell of burger grease."

"You mean they smell while you are cooking them?" Gordon look horrified.

Bernard in turn nodded with the added enthusiasm of a school boy as he watched his friend take off his apron, remove his jacket and shove it through a small sliding hatch and into the cab where it wouldn?t get smelled upon. After he had done his apron up the big man asked, "Now are the grills hot?"

"I think so?"

"What do you mean, you think so?"

"Okay, okay! Don?t keep getting at me, I?m checking." The smell of burning flesh from Gordon?s index finger proved they were in fact on and very hot. "Ouch!"

"That was stupid. Why didn?t you just flick a little water onto it."

"Sorry mister braniac of the year. I am trying to do my best here. I normally have people to do this." Gordon reflected as he sucked his finger before proceeding to lean forward and catch his tie alight. This was met with panic as he went to put his tie in a wet substance which turned out to vegetable oil. In the end Bernard came to the rescue with a bottle of spring water.

Bernard produced a pair of scissors, cutting the burnt piece off before feeling the need to advise. "I?d place your tie under your apron and not lean over the hot plates in future."

Gordon in turn snorted through his nose before replying, "I?m just going to go outside and put the open sign up." Outside the van it was teeming with people all wanting to shop at Camden market. This enthused Gordy who sought to make the best of this day and what it had to offer.

Bernard had to admit to feeling surprised when through the door came Gordon with all smiles. Noting the guy had cheered up he asked, "Ready to make some money?"

"Ready when you are luvvy!" Then in an instant, just like magic a customer appeared. "Hello luvv?I mean sir. What can we get you?"

"One of your BFT specials."

Gordon blinked through his glasses at the guy. Looked at the board before turning to Bernard, "What?s a BFT?"

Bernard pulled out a cook list which Clive had written up. "Ah, it?s two slices of bacon."

"Check!" Gordy replied as he got two fatty pieces of bacon and threw them onto one of the vicious hot plates.

"One round big white bap."

"Yes dear, I have one of those."

"Two eggs."

"Eggs are smashed and on the plate, ouch vicious beast of a hot plate!"

"What?"

"Nothing, carry on."

"And a sausage, no, make it two."

Gordon came to a grinding halt, "Um, where are they?"

"In the small chiller over there."

The small lad went over to the mini fridge where it sat in the shade. Opening the door, he reached in and found a very large sausage, all slimy and cold. "I have them, they are thick and heavy."

The customer took note of the strange sausage, then his brain said it for him, "That?s no bloomin sausage, that?s a snake!"

Gordon took a look and sure enough he had picked up the head and tail together. The two were not pork of any kind.

"Oh no! Not another snake!" Bernard shouted as memories of the repltile in the shower room incident came flooding back. He legged it with his buddy in hot pursuit, both ran from the van screaming like idiots. Soon the whole market place became a ghost town.

As rubbish was the only thing to be heard rolling down the street, it was a silent as the tombs, all expect a snake slithering it?s way through the market. Then a pair of footsteps could be heard. They approached the snake and stopped.

"Yo! Vinnie! How did you get all the way out here? Come home now you naughty boy." Yes it was his looser of an owner who had been out for a burger and found his lost snake.

 

Down on the restaurant floor lunch was being served. Today it really pleased Sharon to see the place almost full up. Obviously good news travelled just as fast as bad. Talking about travelling fast, her husband had been doing the hundred yard dash all morning to the loo. Talk of the devil, he came back onto the floor looking pale.

"You do know that we have got to go to Franks house tonight. If you are not well we might have to cancel."

Ben grinned, "Gee, I always say that something good always comes out of something bad." Before turning and heading back towards the loo. There he caught up with the same guy who had mistaken the prune cocktail for the prawn one a while back.

"Have you mistakenly asked for the prune cocktail?"

Ben looked at his running partner, "No just some laxatives."

"Poor you, were they on the list too?"

"Oh, just shut up and sit on your can." Ben frowned at the guy?s stupidity before sealing himself on his porcelain home realising that Sam had misspelled another specials list.

 

 

Little and large were now on their way home after an harrowing day at the market.

"I can?t believe you called in the men from the travelling circus to find that blessed snake. Then you called in the R.S.P.C.A who in turn called in the police, they called the ambulance, fire and territorial army. They called in the actual army who called in the press core. What did they find?" Asked the larger of the two.

"Um, nothing."

"Yes nothing!" Bernard shouted. "We looked like right idiots, trying to explain how we mistook a string of sausages for a Boa Constrictor!"

"Well it sure looked like one to me and our customer."

"The trouble is, they found nothing, only burnt, no very burnt eggs, burgers and bacon. Miss Sharon is going to go ape when she finds out. Still that?s small fry to when I get back to the club."

Gordon frowned as he found the courage to look at the big guy, "What do you mean? Oh my, what have you done?"

"I?ve gone and sent miss Tiffany some flowers!" He leaned forward and smacked his head on the windscreen at this point making a dull thud noise.

Gordon looked over the top of his glasses, "Are you romantically involved with this woman?"

Bernard took his head from off the window. "No. It?s just the other day, she said she had never been given flowers."

"So what?s the problem? That is very sweet of you, shows you care."

"The problem is, that when I saw her just yesterday, she said she hated romance and if it was to raise it?s ugly head again she would punch it?s lights out. Or words to that effect."

"But yours is a straight forward gift."

"I know that, but will she see it in another light?"

Gordon sat back adjusting his seatbelt as it threatened to cut his head off. He then found the answer and easy it was too! "Well luvvy, if she punches your lights out you have your answer."

"Gee you are a great comfort."

"Sorry."

"Just sit there and be quiet and make sure that the next time you cry out snake, it ain?t a string of sausages."

"Yeah that?s funny, real funny."

Both men ignored each other for the rest of the ride home.

 

 

Tiffany just finished seeing the last afternoon guests off, when a man walked in holding in his hands a large bunch of flowers.

"Excuse me sir. If they are for one of the guests you will have to leave them at reception."

"Actually I?m looking for a miss Lampshade, I was told she would be in here."

"I?m miss Lampshade."

"Then these are for you."

She went to take them, then held back, "They can?t be for me. You are mistaken, nobody gets me flowers."

The guy grinned, "Trust me, they have your name on, now take them as my arms are getting tired. Biggest bunch this week."

"For me? Why?"

The guy pointed to a pink envelope stuck on the side, "This?ll tell you I think." He took his leave before the girl asked him to open up the letter and read it.

Tiffany just held the multi-scented flowers in her arms drinking in the various scents, all making her nose tingle. As she opened her eyes she noted that the three Bob?s were standing by the door gawping at her.

"You men have work to do, now jump to it!" Boy did they jump to it, gone in seconds. She took them over to the bar and after laying them down gently, she took the letter and opened it.

 

 

 

 

Dearest Tiffany,

I hope you like them,

your first bunch and hopefully not your last.

Love Bernard.

 

"Bernard," she said to herself as she smiled. "How sweet of him to buy me flowers." Her thoughts turned to what she said to him a little while ago. Oops! the poor man was probably worrying himself sick over what he had done. Still there was no need to make the man sweat, get his story and make amends.

 

Upstairs in the flat it was chaos, for Sharon that it. She was trying to decide on what to wear for that dinner date round Frank?s. As she thought about this she had a touch of indigestion which was as she put it down to her changing body. It was at this point, her husband walked in to the kitchen.

"Mmm, dinner smells lovely."

"Actually, I?ve just belched, dinner is round Frank?s later."

"Oh yeah dinner round Frank?s, how could I forget. Do we have to go?"

"Of course, it?s only proper!" She was going to say more until two men were heard to be pushing their way into her hallway. At first she imagined it was a siege until the duo formed the shape of Gordon and Bernard. Both started to babble something not allowing her to make head nor tale of the problem.

"Um, guys, could one of you speak, not both." Ben came out with as he had given Sharon a shrug of the shoulders and received one back.

Both stopped as Bernard pushed Gordon forward who smelt something nice, "Dinner smells good, have you got the recipe?"

"Actually, it?s not dinner. Sharon has a touch of the burps and another just came out."

"Oh my whurrr," Came from the two guys.

"Shaz in turn felt embarrassed, "Sorry, just pregnant, often happens... apparently."

"Ah!" Came from the duo as they relaxed a little.

Ben in turn was going to say more on the subject but sadly was stopped by a hand reaching out and covering his mouth. His wife chose to ask, "Now gentlemen, what is the problem?"

"Well it?s like this. We went to the market as planned. We set up the van, I burnt my tie and discovered a large snake in the fridge," Gordon expounded with before Bernard added, "Actually he thought it was a snake, but it was sausages."

Gordon frowned, "I thought it was the other way? Or was it?"

Shaz interjected as both went off like a pair of angry women, "What happened with the snake?"

Gordon stopped babbling to make this kind of coherent sentence, "We didn?t do anything with it. We abandoned the van and did a runner. I managed to bring Camden to a complete halt."

"You did what?"

Bernard swallowed as he knew Shaz was getting the plot, "He panicked and called in the whole show, police, ambulance, fire service and army along with the R.S.P.C.A."

"At least I didn?t call in the circus!"

"Ah, no I called in the clowns. I thought it might lighten up the tension a little having those funny fellows running around."

Ben was cracking up over the pair of clowns before her. Shaz took a deep breath before asking again, "Did you find the snake?"

"Um, well Gordon you?d best tell her," Bernard wasn?t going to say anymore that might provoke the wrath of the woman.

"To be exact there was no snake in the van, even though I saw it with my own eyes."

"And picked it up."

"And picked it up, thank you Bernard. But the policeman who breathalysed me said that I must have imagined it as I was not stone drunk."

"Now that was after you had been tested for drugs, searched and tested by a shrink."

Gordon felt his backside, "Still can?t sit properly after the cavity search."

Shaz inhaled like a snorting horse indignant at it?s rider. "Tell me you didn?t get the club?s name involved and that it turned out to be a low key affair."

Bernard smiled, "No mention of the Coffee Club mam."

"Good. Now just go away and forget about this incident. It will blow over and we can concentrate on running this place. In future Clive and my husband will run the van."

Ben said little, just raised his eyes heavenward and prayed to the heavens wishing God could get him out of driving that stupid little Sooty mobile.

"Yes my dear, we?ll just hang out in the restaurant."

"No, I suggest you?d better both slither off and keep your heads down. It won?t be good for business if anyone recognises you. Now just disappear before I bite your heads off."

After they had gone, Ben was still laughing over the fact that Vinnie had been the cause of a comical event in Camden. "Phil called and said he had lost Vinnie for over two days. Now the chump must have been hiding out in our van all that time. What a show that must have been down there today. Especially the clowns, hey, hey, hey."

"Has Phil got him them?"

"Oh yeah. He informed the police and decided to offer his pet snake to the zoo. He was amused about the news footage which showed someone clubbing a leather belt to death, thinking it to be a man eating snake. Oh and Gordon crying over the death of that belt as it was a good quality one which matched his suit." Ben giggled again before adding, "I?ve got to get a tape of those guy?s being interviewed."

"Do they know about the interview and that it was showed on primetime television?"

"If they don?t, they will be made aware of it. Phil is dropping it round this evening. Probably already has."

"What do you intend to do?"

"Show them up with it. Teach them to think before acting."

"I?m not sure about this."

Ben placed an arm around his wife giving her a little squeeze, "Trust me, it will be good for the Club. A little light comedy."

 

"Remember, we are to keep a low profile remember."

Gordon frowned as he stared through his glasses to say, "Don?t need to say remember twice you know."

Bernard swallowed with nerves, "Sorry, just don?t want to upset Sharon anymore tonight."

"Just relax a little. She and Ben have gone out to Frank?s place. After being round there, our error of the day will pale into insignificance."

Bernard relaxed a little as he sat down on a table at the back of this big restaurant.

"So, where are they?" Ben asked as he was on the way out. He asked the Billy Joel look ?a? like.

"Over the back, keeping their heads down. Do you have it?"

Ben grinned, "Oh yes my friend. It?s ready to go."

"Great, I?m up."

Ben left the in-house comedian to go to work while he went out to Frank?s, oh yes, to Franks?.

It was humiliating, one minute Gordon and Bernard were keeping their head down, when suddenly the comedian chap got on stage and shouted, "Has anyone seen a snake about the place?"

The audience partially frowned, some laughed who were in the know while a search light came out and found two who did!

"I know two men who have!" Behind on the television screens dotted about this place, an edited news done by Phil came on, including Gordon running like a girl and Bernard?s large frame legging it from the van and knocking over a whole market stall. Pictures of clowns reaping havoc with custard pies. There was also the picture of Bernard killing a green leather belt and Gordon crying over it?s death. Finally both being handcuffed and taken away to music entitled; ?Send in the clowns?. If the floor could have opened up to swallow them both, they would have gladly taken it.

 

A very married couple stood outside Frank?s place holding hands tightly. It was a standard semi, two up two down. All looked the same round here along with a burnt out car hogging the small playing green. Some boys were still out in the dark doing trials riding over it on their bikes. The door finally opened up and Ben along with his wife were greeted by a short ginger haired lady. She had very green eyes and was of the petite nature.

"You must be Ben and Sharon from Frank?s place of work?"

"Yes." Ben replied as silence held the air.

"He?s talked a lot about you, especially the kindness of Sharon."

"Hope it?s all complementary?" Then the cold night air whipped around as a silence again filled the air, apart from the bonnet of one burnt out car protesting at being hopped upon by biker boys.

"Better come in then." The girl once inside took their coats and hung them on a nineteen eighties looking coat hanger, all brass looking. It matched the brown squared wallpaper and carpet from a decade before. It didn?t match the bright green ceiling though. "Please go into the lounge."

Sharon followed her husband, feeling the need to hold his hand. It was a good thing she didn?t look round as her cashmere coat fell off the rack and landed on a mouldy grey dog pooh which hadn?t been cleared up from the seventies.

Both glided into a lounge which was decorated in the same low quality as the hallway. This was all decked out in purple and black. Black vinyl seating, a cheap looking cocktail bar and an old disco set up with those flashing big red, green and yellow lights going off in time to Abba?s ?Dancing Queen?. The carpet didn?t match the rest of the room, this was all bright orange with blobs of grey stuff dotted about. The room had an old musty aftershave smell sticking to it.

The lady must have noticed the looks her guests were giving at the culture shock, "My husband is obsessed with the nineteen seventies era."

"Yeah what and error that proved to be!" Ben came out with as he went on to elaborate, "With it?s tight white trousers, open topped shirted, medallions, Hi Karate aftershave stinking men." Then Frank walked in, "Which is exactly the era I like!"

"Yeah great period in my time. Dressed like this I was a God to all chicks!" His tight white trousers creaked with age along with those leather boots. "You and me buddy are the same. We all here tonight like the same things, along with the same pursuits in life, if you know what I mean." He strolled over to the bar in time with the beat, "Can I get you anything like a drink or a snort?"

"Um, how about a beer!" Ben replied as he was increasingly wishing he was somewhere else now.

"And for you my lovely?"

Sharon looked at Frank?s wife, only to find the girl was looking at her. "Oh, lemonade or something like that."

Frank scowled, "Not a beer like you husband?"

Frank walked over and gave Ben his drink and then reached down and kissed Sharon?s hand. "Sure you don?t want a beer, I love women who drink out of cans."

"Do you? In that case I shall have a glass with mine and it shall be a coke."

Ben bent down whisper to his wife, hoping the ginger bird wasn?t good at eve?s dropping, "Who is this? Is he Elvis Presley reincarnated as a barman, a very bad barman I may add."

"Love, we all have our fantasies. His is to be a mixed up Presley and Travolta of the seventies."

The guy came squeaking back, "Here you go, one coke for the sexy lady."

Shaz looked at the glass and what was in it, "Actually I want the liquid stuff."

"Oh I?m sorry!" He came back with the right stuff this time along with another beer for her husband. "You ain?t fussy over what you eat, ain?t veggie types are you?"

Shaz looked at her husband as he was trying to drink out of both cans. Making a mess down his jumper she answered for him, "No, we are not fussy what we eat."

"Great! Now woman run down the Kentucky and get us a bargain bucket will ya!" As the girl nodded he felt the need to add, "Stupid woman forgot to get any food in for tonight. Still won?t take long just round the corner."

"You didn?t tell me we were having friends round." That was a rather frosty tone radiating from her small inner self.

"Look girl, just get the damn food!"

"I?m going, just keep your toupee on!"

"We can come back another night if that?s more convenient," Shaz hurried out as her husband was giving her that worried look which read; Help get me out of here! Nutter alert!"

Suddenly he was back to normal, as normal as can be for Frank. "Nah, me lovely Angie will get the nosh. While we get down and boogie, or sit if you like and get intimately acquainted?"

Sharon chose to sit down on the sofa and found not her husband by her side but the toupee king as he rested his hand upon her right leg. Ben in turn caught Angie?s look before she scurried away to get the take out surprise.

"So boss, what do you want me to do for you? Shall I put on some music? How about a little Sweet, Gary Glitter, The Roubets or even a little Elvis? We could dance or if you prefer we could cuddle up together and I can be your teddy bear."

What was this guy on, sucking up to my wife like that Ben thought to himself before shouting, "How about one of your video?s."

Frank looked over before grinning, "Yah one of my videos? should do it! He hurried over to the shelf finding a good one. "How about the one where the wife and I just purchased a water bed!" He hurried over, switched the music off and slammed the video hard into the old Betamax machine. Then a picture of the bed arriving on the back of a lorry which said, Bed?s Aren?t Us.

 

Bernard escaped the laughs of the masses which were as you know, at his and Gordon?s expense. Then again, looking back on it, it wasn?t that humiliating. Still it was weird seeing himself on the widescreen filling it up like a blob out of a horror ?B? movie. He thought back to the scenes of today and thanked his lucky stars that he?d actually avoided being arrested. Thanks no doubt to a riot which broke out, when police wanted to search local homes for the reptile.

So here he stood in the hallway of the servants quarters, when he happened to look up and find Tiffany walking his way. It was her night off, he?d forgotten about that. Still a girl as attractive as she, was about to go out on the tiles. Then his mind flashed to paying for some flowers to be delivered and that was when a big man like this just cannot move quick enough in the opposite direction, or hide in a small closet or under a table.

"Bernard, nice to see you! How?s tricks?" This was not the Tiffany he knew! She was all smiles and polite conversation, no she was all casual.

He decided to come out with some straight talk and avoid any misunderstandings. "Tiffany, um, I am sorry about the, ur...misunderstanding. After what you said I can see?" A finger reached out and placed itself upon his lips.

"Come in and take a look at them, they are so beautiful." Indeed they were, just like the girl standing in front of him. "I?ve never been brought flowers before, of course you knew that. There was so many, I had to put them in many vases."

The sparkle in her eyes was as bright as the clearest star in the night. He couldn?t help but to speak and say, "You look very pretty tonight, are you off out?"

"What me? In a pair of scruffy jeans and a holy jumper?"

"You?d look pretty in anything."

A complement indeed from a man who always paid women complements and did what he could to be inoffensive to anyone. "Actually I was off out to the cinema."

"Oh, in that case don?t let me hold you up." He started to go when his ears caught her saying something. "Sorry, I didn?t catch that?"

"I said I was going alone, though I would really like some company."

What type, not him. "Gordon?s downstairs hiding from?He?s free."

"You, you are a silly arse! Why do you always have to think that no one would want you around them. When an invitation arrives, don?t ask a hundred and one questions, just say yes. Otherwise it may give a girl like me the idea that you ain?t interested."

Bernard smiled, "actually I?d love too. As long as it isn?t one of those cinema?s with small seating. I kind of get stuck in those. Took firemen to get me out last time.

Tiffany gave him a peck on the cheek before picking up her coat, "Come on, we have time to catch the eight thirty showing."

"What?s on?"

"Your favourite, James Bond?s latest I believe," She grinned.

 

So there they were, Sharon and Ben sitting here watching a video of the waterbed getting fixed up. Then it finally cut to Frank and his wife bouncing around on it.

"Now this is the naughty part, our first try out!" Frank yelled as he slapped Sharon?s knee.

They were saved by Angie as she came in and shouted out that the food was ready. Saved by Colonel Sanders with his chicken legs. They all filed into the kitchen that had a glass dining table surrounded by gold plastic chairs. The chicken was dished out onto paper plates with plastic knives and forks.

"Cuts down on cleaning." Frank announced as he poured them wine into plastic beakers.

"Oh!" Both said as Ben exchanged glances with his wife. He was just about to put chicken to mouth when he was stopped.

"Don?t eat yet! Not said a blessing. Now lower your heads in prayer."

"Our dear king and redeemer. We thank you for the feast provided by a well known fast food joint. We thank you for the company we have here tonight and also for the things you have given me. I thank you for everything, through our lord and saviour and king Elvis, amen."

Angie also thanked Elvis. Ben wanted to laugh but was kicked under the table, which everyone else saw, as it was transparent. This was another incident in a life long line of them in which He and Sharon would never forget.

 

Yes, these seats are bigger that the last ones I sat in. Deluxe seats, still a bit on the snug side," Bernard commented as he parked his backside into the seat.

"You okay?"

Actually he had wind and was frightened to let it out. "I?m fine Tiffany, are you all right lass?" Suddenly a thought came over him, did I just let one go? I?m sure I can smell something? Sorry! Actually it was another thought that came over him. "I hope I?m not blocking anyone?s view from behind?"

Tiffany looked behind and saw it was clear, "No one?s behind, actually the nearest people are three rows back." It suddenly felt like it was down to two rows when her friend leaned back and the row of seats took the strain. "Now take it easy. It?s your night off."

Bernard grinned and did relax, until the girl of his mind took his hand. This sent shivers up and down his spine. His heart raced, skipped and raced again. No, hold on it always does that after a greasy burger he?d had before going in. Still the sensation of having his hand held was terrific! Tiffany said something.

"I took the liberty of sneaking in a couple of cans. I don?t like paying the exorbitant prices in here." Tiffany took her hand away and reached into her jacket pockets. "I have cola or a shandy?"

"Shandy please, unless that?s your favourite, then I will have cola. Unless you like the cola, um, I don?t mind really what ever you decide."

Tiffany grinned, "You can have the shandy." She handed it over as the silver screen came to life lighting up the cinema before them. A loud voice from three rows back shouted out, "Hey it?s the fat snake dude. Hey fatty, caught any sausages lately?" Another said, "Only in his guts, look at the size of him!"

They never finished their mocking, for in an instant Tiffany had spun round and hurled two cans of drink in their direction. The mocking went quiet as the two fell into a deep sleep.

She squeezed Bernard?s hand, "Sorry! Let?s just get some of those expensive buckets of Coke and share one shall we?"

Bernard said nothing at all, just agreed with a nod. After all, may he never upset her for the fear of being knocked out with a can of shandy.

 

Sharon rested her body down on the slimy feeling sofa once again. Her baby shifted within her as if sliding upon the feast of cold greasy chicken she had just finished off. The first bite had been good, the next okay. By the time she had reached the last breast the fat had congealed, all white in colour and made her feel sick. Still she did her best and now hurried that thought of grease to the back of her mind. In the old days of youth and rebellion she tucked loads of unhealthy stuff down her gullet. Today was living proof that at thirty something her body was feeling it?s age and she was now understanding why it is good to look after your body while young. Then again a wise head on young shoulders of youth could never be. If she had been, she would have been labelled a train spotter or an odd ball freak. Probably hunted down and beaten to death or placed in a freak museum with the label egg head or the child who grew too soon. Wild thoughts racked her mind in this odd place. Time warped back to the seventies as Frank came in chatting fervently with her husband, who just for the record downed six pieces of cold chicken along with four that he had eaten warm.

Frank eyed her up as he turned his wide collar in her direction. "Hey boss lady! how about a dance to Mud." She frowned and noticed he too was doing the same. "Hold on, it ain?t christmas! Still great record, one full of sadness, allows lovers to get closer."

It will be lonely this christmas blared out as Sharon had to lift herself up and take to the mini dance floor.

Out in the kitchen Ben had wandered and saw the pile of rubbish, he placed the remaining plates into a large black bag and put it out the back with the others.

"Thanks for helping me clean up," Frank?s bird said while putting coffee machine on, decided it didn?t look good on her, placed it back down on the side.

Ben wondered what the hell she was doing, then noticed the machine, "So this is the coffee machine he was talking about over dinner."

"Um, yeah. He didn?t show you the video?"

"Not yet, he has threatened us a couple of times." Ben grinned.

"I?m sorry. He is obsessed with keeping a video record of everything we do or purchase. He keeps them just in case the human race gets wiped out by aliens or something. Then a form of life in the future can learn from him and become living nerds."

Ben picked up on her frustration, "So why did you marry him?"

"Because he asked me to."

"Touche," he conceded, wondering just who was the most weird here.

"I don?t love him. Just a marriage of convenience. I was lonely and so was he. Though sometimes I wish I could have stayed a young girl living rough. Then again, he is kind, though nutty." She took a deep breath before exhaling it with these words, "I just get annoyed with his power over women, he?s a sex magnet."

Ben sniggered before rapidly turning it into a kind of cough as he saw she was serious about the latter part of that sentence. He swallowed before asking, "Anything else I should know about him?"

"He?s been sacked from a number of jobs for sexual harassment and his obsession with video equipment. He records his conquests. He?s been beaten up by many mangers or angry husbands. I fear he may have a thing for your wife. If he starts to mention about making new recordings, you?ll know what he is thinking."

"Why do you stay with him?"

"Because I still love him, though he no longer loves me." Then she smiled, "Like some coffee?"

"Um, best go on into the lounge. I?ll have some later." He felt on edge and it showed in his reply. So he recovered with, "No, I?ll have a coffee. Shaz will be alright."

Frank just finished dancing with Sharon, who in turn had to watch her bottom as he was having a good go at grabbing it. She hurried out to the kitchen to find Ben was just coming and was smiling. He was getting along well with all here. Not like her.

"She?s a lovely lady your wife." Ben commented as he looked past Sharon to address Frank who was all red in the face from dancing.

"Great!" Frank replied as he clapped his hands together, "I suggest we swap wives for a night of fun in front of the digital camera!"

This suggestion took a little while to sink into the group before reality of this perilous situation slapped Ben right round the face.

"Um, no thanks. Sharon and I have to go home now and get some sleep!"

"Come on! The invite was given for this outcome!"

"You are a real pervert ain?t you Frank?" Sharon wasn?t so forgiving. "Don?t set foot in my place again. There are laws against people like you and one is steer clear of me. Now get out of my way before I break your nose."

"Oh I?m sure you will change your mind with my one hundred and one great knock off?s videos." Frank shouted and saw the look of disgust in his employer?s eyes as she picked up her coat and ran.

Ben looked at Angie and saw the hurt in her eyes. Love for this guy was dead. "Why don?t you come with us?"

"No, I think I?d better stay here and nurse his injured ego."

"Ben stay, we can play strip poker!"

"What bruised ego?" Ben replied to the younger lady.

Angie looked at Frank and saw the hollow man he?d become, "You?re right, I?ll just get my coat. Goodbye Frank. I hope you enjoy your videos and the rest of your life alone."

 

The film was about halfway through, it wasn?t Bernard?s type of film. The James Bond one was sold out, they opted for a scary love movie mixed with a science fiction theme. Not his cup of tea. Though on the plus side, a really hideous bit came on which made him squirm and Tiffany clutched hold tightly to his arm. This caused his heart to jump at the movie, then flutter for miss Lampshade. He was in love, it wasn?t anything else. He wanted to be more daring. This crazy thing called love was pushing him to put his arm around her!.

Moving into position he reached out hearing the chairs creak as he did so. Reassuring himself that this was only a natural noise as Tiffany had said, he continued the risky operation. His hand was like a sniper in the dark, moving slowly past her neck and onto to it?s destination, her other shoulder. His tense body, rigid with success or failure felt the comfort as the lady responded and did her best to cuddle up with an arm rest dividing them. Bernard relaxed further allowing his massive frame to rest into the seat. Big mistake! as the chair along with it?s companions came un-bolted from the floor and literally went backwards. Others sharing this row were just a surprised to see their big cartons of cola fly up and hit them in the face as they stared at the ceiling and not a big silver screen.

Bernard just laid there with his eyes closed tight whilst listening to the hysterical screams, knowing deep in his heart, he had just ruined a great evening out with Tiffany and spoilt the whole theatres as the film stopped and the lights came on to reveal the comical real life scene.

 

"Boy I?m glad we got out of there! Why did I ever employ him?"

Ben felt awkward, she wouldn?t even look at him. This was the way when Sharon took things just a little too hard. There was little he could do, except offer a suggestion. "Why don?t we go down the pub, have a drink and talk it over."

"What, the Skull and crossbones, your old haunt."

That was funny! Ben had figured he hadn?t been here that long to have an old favourite, still it was a good thing in a way. "I haven?t been there for ages, fancy going?"

Shaz pulled a half-grin, "Sure, why not."

 

When they arrived all was clearly not well. The place was almost empty, apart from a couple of people playing darts along with that religious fellow who was propping up the bar.

"Not busy in here. I thought you said this place was always packed?"

"Shaz, it usually is. I hope it?s not the mafia again."

"Ahoy me ship mates. Welcome to the skull and crossbones, what will it be?"

There he be! Old Dave the barman who pretended to be a pirate.

"A couple of glasses of wine me old mucker!"

"Ah it be Ben I haven?t seen you for a few seasons. So tell me, is it true from Raymond here, that you got rid of the mafia?"

"Yeah, our club is free." Ben replied whilst looking around him asking, "Why are you so empty?"

"He?s closing down," Raymond butted it with before poor Dave could even open his mouth.

"Aye, the old ship sprung a leak. I tried to fix her, but the hole is so wide, she be sinking. This is the last night before she goes under."

"That be, I mean that is terrible!" Shaz felt the need to say as a closing business is bad for the neighbourhood.

"Aye it is. There be a new boat sailing on the horizon. Latest equipped and one of a fleet. She be taking my trade and running with cannons open and ready to hole me for good."

Shaz looked up from her glass, puzzled like. "You say what now?"

"He says a multiple has opened up, cut price booze, offering a carvery and all the trimmings. People go there to spend their cash." Ben translated for her and knew she knew now.

"Where are you off to?"

"The jolly old prison ship called the social security. They will free me some day, when I can find a captain who wishes me service."

Ben spun round giving Sharon a look, the look was: here is the answer to your prayers! please take him on, hound dog look.

"That is a coincidence. Dave I need a head barkeep at my club. I need a guy just like you who has run a big place and fought against the odds. I need you to come and, um, sail my ship of dreams into the wide ocean and beyond." This sentence sounded crap to her, but he seemed to be buying the lingo.

"Well, I did used to work in the Hilton before branching out on my own. I used to have to speak with a proper English accent and prance around like a butler would."

"Would you like the position? Start tomorrow with good pay, which I will discuss with you later."

Dave grinned before reaching out and taking her by the hand, "Sure! Love a challenge. I only hope I can live up to your high standards."

Sharon frowned and was about to ask for an elaboration on why he thought she had high standards, when her husband cut in with, "Great! see you tomorrow afternoon."

Pages fluttered and Raymond with full beaming smile came out with, "This is great news! I have a scripture which I can add to put the icing on the cake."

All three put their voices together in unison, "no!"

 

Bernard huddled over like an old man as he and Tiffany almost ran out of the cinema before he was asked to pay for damages. Once clear he opened his mouth in a kind of waver, "Look, I?m sorry about those seats. Please just give me another chance." The girl just stared at him. "I am sorry. Just say you will and I?ll be very happy."

Tiffany smiled, then laughed out loud.

Now he was confused! Was this a good or bad sign? "What, Tiffany what?"

"Are you asking me out?"

Somewhere in his equation he had missed out this detail. His heart and mouth was a blunder and his brain informed him, he had not done so. Now it was be a man time or run away like a mouse.

How much do you want this girl?

"Miss Lampshade. Um, I have never ever felt this way about any lady before. I?m in love with you and hope that this feeling, given time, may be reciprocated as I never wish to let you go." Did this sound a little corny? Too late now Bernard boy.

"Come here."

"Pardon me?"

"Bernie, I asked you to lean forward" The big guy obliged, she kissed him. After he straightened up she followed up with her conclusion as to their relationship. "I would love to date you with a view to something more lasting. But you have to promise me one thing."

"What?s that?"

"That you avoid breaking anymore cinema seats and I will avoid throwing cans at people."

"Sure!"

She placed her arms around him and gave him a proper kiss, before they headed back to the tube station for the journey home.

 

It seemed strange to Ben and Sharon that they had gone out for an evening and were back in by nine o'clock. Weird!

"It seems strange that we have only been out for a few hours."

"I know, but Shaz, you know what?"

"What?"

"It?s good to be home."

Sharon raised her eyebrows, "Home?"

"Yes. I?ve come home. I view this place as home. It?s good to be here with you. I was worried that this plan of yours might just snowball out of control. But no, you had a vision and boy what a big one!" He kissed her on the cheek, "I am very proud of you and of your vision."

She was proud of him, for his patience and endurance which showed his deep love for her. They stood at the back entrance looking in at the busy kitchen. Arm in arm they stood admiring the activity of one highly trained kitchen staff. Then from round the back came Bernard with Tiffany, they too were coming in, arm in arm.

"Would you look at that! Bernard and Tiffany!"

Shaz snuggled up to his warm shoulder, "I think I should rename this place the hotel of love, or something more catchy and less tacky."

Ben nodded, "The Coffee Club will do fine, or the love club. No club of love!"

She slapped him for being a joker at her expense. "I?m going up, you coming?"

"I?ll be up in a minute. I have to check out something first."

"Okay, not too long now. I?ll have some hot chocolate waiting."

He kissed her and watched her go on through as he made his way through and on into the large dining area. There he was Clive and Gloria having thier meal together. A gift from him and Shaz which I?m sure you remember. He saw others dining and romancing. This place was special, it seemed to bring out the best in all who came here. Then his ears found a table, a family table, not in harmony. The son was playing up and wrecking the peace of all around with his glow in the dark action figure.

"Look Thomas, your action figure glows in the dark, doesn?t it?" The little boy nodded. "Well, if you fail to behave, then your bottom will do too!"

Ah, the troubles of parenthood and the reasoning behind every action. Ben felt a yearning for his child to be born. A long way off yet. Then again, it would soon come around. His nice thoughts came to an abrupt end, when he spied a lady speaking with her mouth full and intent on showering everyone, not just with words of wisdom, but also her food. Upon spying this, he retreated a safe distance and went on up to bed.