29.12.2006
FAREWELL TO SHYNESS
FAREWELL TO SHYNESS One day lying in bed at Grensas, listening to music suddenly I remembered that my shyness had really bothered me as a youngster! Ye, I was terrified of the other sex. So much even that I couldn't chat normally with girls about my feelings, except when intoxicated with alcohol. Even then there was some ligament of the tongue. Why was I so scared of girls? In junior college I had been rather a conspicous guy; a member of the school's teams in soccer and volleyball and in my third year I and Johann Gardar Einarsson, a friend and room-mate were elected chairmen of the recreation-committee. In that office many a times I had to speak out in public; to my fellow students or strangers like reknown musicians and commedians that we hired to entertain in our school. Then I wasn't bothered by shyness. I also remembered that I was often the leader in all kinds of questionable activities, either in school-lessons or otherwise. But I never did anything unless I were among friends; had someone to lean on, I was always able to avert to fun and games. On the other hand I became a different person when I was in front of a girl all alone. The words got all crumpled up on the road between my mind and organs of speech and I shifted from being serious to the clown. That way I was able to hide my true inner self. Really I was just an innocent little boy. It took me a long time assembling enough courage to ask girls if they wanted to dance with me. If I luckily/unluckily was able to drag the girl to my bedroom after the last dance I was of course a total failure in bed. This kind of conduct won't be tolerated any more, I decided on this serious meeting with myself. I must overturn my habits. Now when I realize how frightfully short the line between living and dieing can be, it feels dreadful how my life's seems wasted away and could have so easily been a lot different if shyness hadn't been the cross that held me back. I couldn´t imagine myself as an old man making up my life while awaiting death regretting not doing many pleasurable things I could have done, just because of my shyness. Life's just too short and you won't get another chance! I decided to say farewell to my shyness, never minding what others might say about me and what I did. Standing alone I was at home for the Christmas-holydays. In my opinion my progress was quite steady. By steady practice at Grensas I was at last able to use my right arm and hand again. My memory had returned somewhat. Still my left leg refused to obey what my brain ordered. The house where we lived has three platforms; on the first (the attic) we have four bedrooms and the bathroom, on the one in the middle the living A four meter long passage comes between the TV lounge and a cemented staircase that leads to the second platform. When the house was constructed the needs of the disabled where not on anyone's mind and therefore it was of no use to take my wheelchair along to Keflavik, so usually I had to lean on my father's shoulder when moving around the house. At the end of the TV- program on Boxing Day my dad and I started our journey; him holding under my shoulder. When I reached the staircase and had grabbed the banisters as usual, I heard his jolly laughter behind my back and turned my head. There he still stood at the beginning of the passage, where he had supposedly taken under my shoulder, but really hadn't without me having the slightest ... -I really thought you'd be able to, he informed me obviously very pleased with the trick he'd made on me.
room, kitchen, telephone-hollow and main entrance, but on the lowest we have the laundry, backdoor, boiler room and the TV lounge.
-Did I really make it alone, I asked with a weak, but pleased voice closing a nostril with a finger.
I'm laughing silently when I drag myself along the passage walking back.